I was just about to write that I have never considered myself a strong person, but I couldn't write it because it's not true. I think instead that I have wanted to be a strong person looking like I'm trying to be effortlessly strong. And there's a strength in trying something over and over without it working. That type of imbecility certainly takes persistence, and persistence builds a muscle.
But to acknowledge something and then to say no to it. That takes a strength I haven't developed yet. And I tend to think, "If only . . ." and then I rely on the outcome to prove that I'm doing something right. I rarely breathe in the anger on the spot. I rarely believe that there's a finite amount of anger and that I can make a difference by transmuting the anger I encounter. I think anger is finite, but like the universe, expands. And yet I believe love is infinite? I don't know how to put these ideas together. I don't know who the Devil is, exactly. Temptation and ego and God and love. Creativity. If conflict is how I learn about myself and others and if I grow by taking that conflict and turning it over to love, then wouldn't I want to be tempted into the evil? Or does the evil just find me? Where is the strength in being found? I'm very confused!