Monday, November 14, 2011

Wild Flag

I just picked up Wild Flag's first album. The lead singer and guitarist, Carrie Brownstein, is from Sleater-Kinney (and she has a funny show, "Portlandia," on FX); drummer Janet Weiss is from Sleater-Kinney, too. While I'm not a huuuuuuuuge Sleater-Kinney fan, I do admire them and I admire this band, too. Basically, there's nothing much more awesome than women rocking out. And I like this song and wanted to share.

Let us not forget our women nor our punk rock!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

This Godforsaken State

We've had two earthquakes this weekend, here in Oklahoma. One, around 2am Saturday, I did not feel. And then another (5.6 magnitude) around 10:50pm that I did feel. I'm just going to complain here: IT SUCKED! What the fuck is wrong with this state?! I can barely handle tornado threats and ice storms and now there are fucking earthquakes? Nope. Oh, Oklahoma, no.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

More About Me

I've had the opportunity, lately, to learn more about myself. I've been dabbling in different career exploration books and reading some of Oprah's life class online. I'm finding it a lot of fun. Until, that is, Boyfriend says that maybe the problem isn't with me finding my passion, but rather just with me. As in, I need to look within.

I couldn't quite explain it to him at the time, but I want to say that I've done a lot of looking within and I've come to the conclusion that I need to do some looking without. Not within.

Like a few weeks ago I had to accept responsibility for the fact that I am always accepting responsibility.

Looking within and then without helped me understand how amorphous my boundaries are (I was going to write that they are amourphous; they are probably that, too); I conform easily to whatever situation I'm in, even if it isn't a positive, healthy situation for me. I conform to jobs, people, relationships, and any expectation someone might have for me. I had the chance to see this at work as Bill and I had the privilege to visit my family. I saw how I froze up with anxiety when trying to balance everyone else's needs and wants. I saw how that anxiety made it difficult to communicate with me. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I saw myself in a new way.

This helped me see myself in a new way at work. Many positive people come into the office and many poisonous people come in, too. It's difficult for me to not sponge up everything. And then I only want to hold on to the good interactions and fret over the difficult ones. That part is my attachment to these situations. But the sponging part seems like a feature of myself that I didn't know I had; I didn't know I was like that.

No wonder, then, I run from those people and places I get close to. It's hard for me to be myself around others just like, conversely, it's hard for me to be myself without others. It's strange like that, not knowing who I am, exactly, while having strong notions of self. Other people seem to do selfhood pretty straightforwardly. I don't know, however, what I exactly mean by that.

I think part of what I mean is that I am having more fun in the physical world and in tangible goals. For example, I recently paid off a credit card. I'm getting myself out of debt. That's a good goal to have (and unlike weight loss, no one ever tells you to just accept who you are with your credit), and I'm working on it. I've accomplished something. I have other goals for myself; I want to accomplish things. And I don't want to hear that I need to change in order for those accomplishments to occur. This is what I mean about the strangeness because, paradoxically, by wanting to not change myself, I am changing the part of me that used to want to change myself. And that is happening because I want to change. Change can actually be change, is what I think I'm trying to say.

And here's a picture from Colorado (Lily Lake):