Saturday, September 24, 2011

I Continue to Not Get Hit By Space Junk

Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

But it does happen here in Oklahoma. I heard this on NPR the other day, and it made me laugh so hard. Of course the only recorded person to ever get hit by falling space debris lives in Tulsa. Of course! How could it be any other way? Space junk does not hit anyone in Paris, France or Chicago, Illinois. It does not fall on the heads of someone in Antarctica or Africa. It stays out of range of those living in Washington (state or DC) and is far from New Zealand. This is exactly what I mean about Tulsa--it's so unexpected! When I have to face the inevitable question of why I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I am just going to say, "because it is home to the only person to have ever been hit by space junk."

Here's the NPR story from earlier this week.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Moon

Last night I had an experience of driving west, away from the full moon. I had watched the moon all along my route (it sure has been beautiful lately). I came to a point in my drive where the moon was perfectly in my rear-view mirror--I could look in the mirror and thing the moon was right in front of me. It was so curious! I knew the moon was behind me, but it looked like it was in front. I thought that it was the perfect metaphor I was looking for for the day.

Something feels unsettled; I feel like a very shallow person with superficial experiences. The way things appear to me just may not be the truth. I may know the orientation of something, but I also may lose out on looking at it from a different angle. And in trying on a different angle, I may too deeply question the truth of an orientation. I thought of labyrinths and how you might seem close when you are far away and far away when you are close. How is one to know?! It is impossible! I try to take advice of people smarter than me and to ask different questions instead of "Why why why why why?" (So far, though, the question I have sounds more like an angstful bleating, which is more of a statement than a question.)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nothing Much to Say . . .

. . . but have come across a couple of phrases that I really love. The first comes from writing group today and is Sheila's phrase: "nomadic fearfulness." I love it and wish I had written the line! The other comes from Oklahoma Statutes Title 12: "Hearsay Within Hearsay." I just love that one, too. Something else to consider: I was told today, in writing group, that some of my repetitions are rather Biblical. And here I thought they were just obsessive! Funny to think about the religious part of our brains being connected to the obsessive part; it makes sense, I think--all of the rumination over things that are felt and not known. So here's to good lines and poetry, where ever we find them.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Updates: Melancholy, Bangs, and Jogging

Bill and I watched Megamind this weekend, and I really enjoyed the movie. It inspired me to write something for kids! I'll have to put that on my list . . .

My list of things to do has gotten larger, yet more organized. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the woman I want to be--the woman I hope to be, someday--and this woman has gotten stuff on her to do list done! And she's done it without being a nutso; man, is it too much to ask to not be a nutso?

I have been trying to write a bit in my diary every day about what it feels like being in love with Bill; this is a thirty day experiment. So far, and maybe just because it's been my period, being in love sounds (it doesn't feel this way, but it sounds this way) a lot like, "Do you love me? Who are you? How would I know if you did love me?"

Oh my goodness! Will this girl ever go away?! Maybe post-menopause I won't be so moody? What happens to women and their emotions after menopause? If someone knows, then please tell me!

I get so moody and then I remember that, oh yeah, I totally kick ass. I imagine that I am the most amazing woman in the world--and always, always, so fucking modest--and that it's only natural that Bill fell in love with me. I imagine my exes everyday thinking, "Why am I such an idiot for letting that girl out of my sight and arms? Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" And then I imaging them thinking, "Well, I know she would want me to go on. I'll try and love again." I imagine that I am so funny and I imagine my body is attractive and I imagine that I am super-smart--this is what helps get me through moments when I feel so down about myself.

Megamind, in the movie from last night, feels deflated because he has lost his nemesis and his reason to carry on; he says, "I feel melancholy." Only he pronounces "melancholy" like "mel-lan-ko-lee." It is superfunny! And a good reminder, too, I thought, of not taking such a feeling so seriously. I thought, "I need to try that the next time I feel blue."

And we might as well mark on the calendar that I'm going to feel blue in three weeks and a day. Oh my goodness. It is hard work for me to do my job and have a period at the same time; I either need to cry during breaks or take the day off. Hard work. And then I can come out of it. As an update, I still like my job. And I still wished it payed more.

Also as an update, the internet at my place is intermittent (or intermitten, as my accent wants me to write), so it's difficult to blog as much as I want. Also making it difficult to blog is my new schedule. It's been two weeks, so far, of paralegal courses at the community college. Just something I'm trying. I, so far, do enjoy them and I don't. Some classmates are annoying, and the idea of ever having to defend a corporation makes me sick to my stomach. It's almost too practical of a career path for me to entertain. But, I also feel like there's some connection that I'm going to be able to make if I hang in with these classes. I'm not sure what it is yet. But if I've ever been an idealist, now is really the time. I'm writing in the mornings, before work, and have a good writing partner who meets me once a week. Guitar lessons continue (me not practicing the guitar also continues). And I've been tutoring a Chinese man who is learning to speak and reading English better than he does now. Two weeks ago, he brought his wife and son to our meeting, and I felt totally overwhelmed by the occasion.

For anyone looking for something to do, you need to get involved with your local literacy program. The Tulsa library system has a great program. It's just a nice reminder about how powerful it is to know how to read and write. It's a nice way to get to learn about somebody else, someone you could never be, although you might have been. It's just a good reminder that there are bigger things in life, things that are totally ordinary and found right in front of one's face. I'm just saying that I love being a literacy tutor, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

To address the title of my post, I got bangs yesterday. I'm not going to say I cut them myself because they still look a little crooked and I don't want to hear how I can't cut bangs. But, I did cut them myself. Bill says I look like Bettie Page. I say, eyeroll.

I got some new music recommendations from a coworker. (It feels like I am starting to fit in better at work, so that's nice!) I've been turned on to Ray LaMontagne, and he is my new favorite musician. A coworker also gave me career assessment test, and musician is on my list! I just wish I had an ear for tuning! That, and my fear of ever playing anything in front of people, is the only thing holding me back!

With Tulsa's new--and god-damned timely improved--weather (in the 70s this weekend! Downright chilly!), it feels like fall! I am hoping to take up exercising again, even though I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to fit it in during the week. I was feeling a little mel-lan-ko-lee tonight; Bill gave me a coffee table, a furnishing I had been shunning for years, due to the high level of commitment it takes to maintain all the crap that follows closely to such a piece, and it has felt a little strange being in my place. And, this is probably the most ridiculous thing I've thought (so you can bet it's pretty ridiculous), but I thought, "Why do you want me to be so comfortable in my place? Do you just want to keep me here?!" To avoid such a thought, and to ward off the blues, I made the conscious choice to go for a jog just so I wouldn't stay home and brood. It helped a lot.

And it helped because I was finally able to enroll in the wellness program at work. I have a weekly phone meeting with a wellness coach. We talked about a food plan and my numbers last week. I have amazingly low cholesterol and blood pressure, but my weight is 35 pounds from a healthy weight and 50 pounds from where I want it to be. Although, when I told her my goal weight she said, "How are old are you?" And I thought, "Oh no you didn't." But anyway, I now have a goal of losing twelve pounds in twelve weeks. I feel very nervous about that goal, so I thought if I blogged it, then maybe I would feel more accountable. I have been making better food choices this week, and I am now taking a multivitamin and calcium supplement. Damn! Why don't I take over the world while I'm at it?

Oh, yeah. And I'm now planning to take over the world. (You're welcome to join me; it's probably going to be superfun.)

Actually, instead of taking over the world, I'm just trying to adjust to the new season. Last year, with all of my teaching and money woes, feels so far away (it feels like I was needlessly dramatic) but still kind of real (I know my drama wasn't needless). I'm just in awe of how quickly things can change. That's one thing that is neat about this past year; enough stayed the same so that I can see how a few changes can make such a difference. This is only a half-formed thought. But, isn't it amazing how, in getting older, you can feel more yourself and less like your old dumb self? Like, "Thank goodness I'm changing, even though I don't blame myself for who I was?" Like, "Oh my goodness--I still get to try at this life thing?!" It's just amazing to me!

(Also amazing: Soy Vey, a teriyaki sauce I found at Super Target. It's so good!)