To Someone Likeminded

Money, Continued Some More

2012-02-02T17:03:00.002-06:00

Today I got to learn about Frances Perkins, the first female Cabinet member, who was instrumental when FDR signed social security and unemployment benefits into federal law. I know nothing about her, but she is definitely a new hero.

The economic crisis of the past few years is the worst we've seen since the Great Depression, and I am struck by old stories of people who knew which houses they could approach and ask for food and shelter. I had heard these stories as a kid, and they strike me now because I can't imagine if I had to live life like that today. And if I didn't have to beg, what type of symbol might be on my apartment door? One that said I would share? One that said I wouldn't share? I am struck by the ways in which those who don't have anything are the ones more likely to give when someone else asks something of them. I am struck by the way in which Oklahoma has high charitable contributions because they come through religious organizations. I am struck by Mitt Romney saying there is a social net for the very poor. There might be, kind of. But I don't think there is a social net for those who care for the very poor.

Programs like social security and unemployment insurance have been in place for 75 years now (a little more, actually). And I think we forget the sentiment behind such aid--there was a time when we used to advocate for each other. Now I just hear things like "entitlement" and what really bothers me: is millions of dollars spent in Super PACs (let alone the fact that we have Super PACs); can only billionaires be charitable?; Republicans; the fact that Americans are stupider than ever; the difference in work ethic between now and the Great Depression; the fact that Oklahoma isn't running on sustainable energy; and the lack of a functional mass transit system in town, state, and country. I am very bothered by money sustaining itself, idiocy sustaining itself, while we watch ourselves destroy each other and our environment. It is happening! I call on the spirit of Frances Perkins to help me understand what can happen next!

Money, Continued

2012-02-02T16:36:00.002-06:00

I attended a work training today and we received word that we're receiving a cost-of-living increase in our salary over the course of the next three years (funding permitted). I don't really know what it will look like or if I'll qualify for the increase, but it could mean, maybe, an extra hundred dollars per month. That means something to me.

I've made a couple of changes this year to help me stay on budget. One is to keep track of the money I actually spend on gas. But that is going to be hindered because next week I'm going to start more traveling for my job. This will blow the gas budget, but will be reimbursed later; as such, I'm not sure what to do and how strict a record I can really keep. Not to mention the fact that buying gas is just a drag. When I can manage to limp the car in before I hit a quarter of tank, it feels like a miracle! Like the best day ever!

So when I got out of training early, I headed to the gas station. I saw a man walking around, looking at the ground. I saw him walk my car and go to his car, which was parked in the lot. When I finished pumping the gas, I saw he was coming towards me. I figured he was going to ask for money and I thought whether I had any I wanted to spare. He got close to me and put his hands up. He said, "I only look scary, but I am not harmful." I smiled at him because, Lord knows, I see his type and trillion times worse every day; and most people simply aren't trouble--they are just trying to get by. He said he was trying to get gas to get to a nearby town. I felt for him, and I don't know why. I usually say no to most people who ask for money. I just tend to think that putting money in established charities, and volunteering, are preferred methods to helping people. But lately I've had a fantasy that maybe someday I'll be rich and I can give out $100 bills to people begging on the streets. But then that daydream turns sour as I wonder how that money might cause someone to make bad decisions and put them in more danger than they are already in; and would I be responsible for that? I don't have an answer. But I did have $2 I was willing to give to the stranger today. That could get him approximately 0.64 gallons of gas. As I handed him the money, I thought of the times I scrounged around looking for extra coins that I could use at the gas station. It feels like shit to live life that way. I didn't want this man to feel the same feeling. He said I was an angel, and that compliment gave me a lift. Who knows whether he needed the money; he looked fine enough to me. Who knows whether he really thought I was an angel, but it just sounded really nice to me.

And it was nice until I got a few blocks away and wondered whether I just blew my grocery budget for the week. And what about that coffee I wanted--will I have to give it up now? Not to mention that I had already decided against that coffee . . .but a powerful urge to protest and claim something as my own welled up inside me. How can I give if I'm not making it? But how can I not be making it when I have so much? (I had even just heard that I could be getting a raise, for goodness sake!) These contradictory thoughts were in my head and heart.

Money

2012-02-02T16:18:00.003-06:00

Last week, I took my car into the shop and was walking back home. On my walk, the thought occurred to me that I would wonder what I would do if I found $100. "If I found $100," I reasoned, "then it would be right to turn the money into the police to see if anyone was missing $100." But then I thought that most people, when they lose cash, do not report it. And if I were to turn it in, then it might be likely that someone could lie and say they lost it, and then end up with money that might as well go to me. I "rationalized" that I would keep the money, if I found it.

I got home and then decided to go out for something to eat. As I was walking in front of a neighbor's apartment, I found a $20 bill in the grass. It was my time to put my decision into action! I looked around (quickly, perfunctorily) to see whether anyone had just dropped it. The bill was dirty and weathered. "Should I knock on doors to see whether it belonged to someone? Should I take it to the main office?" However long it takes to have that thought is all the thought I put into finding the rightful owner of the bill.

I folded the money and put it in my purse. I decided to keep it, or to at least wait and see what I would do with it. I walked the rest of the way looking down, trying to spot more riches. When I said hi to a neighbor, I wondered whether he knew I was a secret thief, a finder-keeper.

Later that afternoon, I received a cute letter from my little niece. My sister had played "Toddler Mad Libs" with my niece, so I had a letter explaining how the little one will dance to make dinner, and so on. I also received original niece artwork, which is now on the fridge, but not displayed too well. It's so cute! The letter made my day!

I wrote back to my niece and ended up sending her the $20 for could it be coincidence that I found this money on the same day that I receive a letter from her? No, it could not!

A couple of days later, my sister sent me a text to tell me that they received my note on the same day they bought my niece a wallet . . . what a thing to have happen!

Official Movie List of 2011

2012-01-05T20:07:00.002-06:00

I kept track of all the movies I saw in 2011. (It really dwindled towards the end of the year!) I don't remember a whole lot of the movies, but I remember the feeling I had while watching them or, at least, remembering watching them: Black Swan, Chinatown, Hannah and Her Sisters, True Grit, The Big Sleep, Zelig, Network, Mildred Pierce, Bridesmaids, Planet of the Apes, Midnight in Paris, Megamind, Winter's Bone, Biutiful, George Harrison, and Blazing Saddles.

Those were my favorites. I'm not keeping track of my movies this year because I've already seen Mission Impossible 4 and I don't really want to have to admit that I liked it.

Eat, Pray, Love: Nay
Black Swan: Yay
Chinatown: Yay
Hannah and Her Sisters: Yay
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask: Yay
True Grit (2010): Yay
Inception: Yay
How to Train Your Dragon: Yay
The King's Speech: Yay
The Big Sleep: Yay
Kingdom of Spiders: N/A (due to kitsch factor)
Hall Pass: It is what it is. Why am I even keeping track and rating my movies?
Super High Me: Nay
Super Size Me: Yay
Battle: LA: Nay
Noise: Yay
MacGruber: Yay
Whip It: Yay and Nay
It's Complicated: It's Fine
Zelig: Yay
Last Summer: Yay
Network: YAY
Cinema Verite: Fine
Limitless: Fine
Mildred Pierce (2011): Yay
Bridesmaids: Yay!
Planet of the Apes (1968): Yay
The Cave of Forgotten Dreams: Yay
The Greatest Movie Ever Sold: Yay
The Trip: Yay
Super 8: Yay
The Lottery: Yanay
Midnight in Paris: Yay!
Buck: Yay
Splice: Nay
Rango: Yay
A Serious Man: Yay
Dinner for Schmucks: Yay
Winter's Bone: Yay
Sex in the City 2: Awful
The Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Yay
Rabbit Hole: Yay
Welcome to Cedar Rapids: Yay
Blue Valentine: Eh
Megamind: Yay
Biutiful: Love
When Harry Met Sally: Still Love
The Big Lebowski: Still Yay
The Conversation: Yay
Win Win: Win
George Harrison: Living in the Material World: Infinitely Yay
The Goodbye Girl: Yay
Blazing Saddles: Love
Your Highness: Yeah.
Woody Allen: A Documentary: Yay
Bananas: Yay
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Thinking about Life

2011-12-17T12:27:00.003-06:00

A coworker's father passed away this week, and I just got back from the service. I didn't particularly want to go because I am trying my best to avoid depression. I am trying my best, as my wellness coach advised me, to pamper myself! Life is so interesting, though, and even though I don't want to be around death, I do want to celebrate someone's life and show my support for those that person left behind. That doesn't have to be a depressing deal (some people can really turn it into one, though!). Since I'm thinking about it, it's probably just a boundary thing . . . having my own emotions while not taking on everyone else's. That's really hard, especially in settings where there is a strong convention and a belief that one should have certain feelings.

And since I'm really thinking about it, it's probably what prevents me from doing other supposedly sad things. I'm reading a book where a character is reading about Saint Theresa and her home for the dying. I have a friend who adopts seniors for the holidays and brings them meals. Such things I don't particularly want to do, and I think it's partly because I don't want to take on other's feelings around those things.

I've been experiencing a change in my beliefs and attitudes due to my job. I feel almost no pity for people, even while I can experience a strong sense of compassion for someone. I have become almost fully convinced of a philosophy of "God helps those who help themselves." And I mean it in almost every sense. I do think people have to come to some sense of self and ask for what they need before they are going to find what they need. I can tell people what they should do, I can give all kinds of options, but I can't save anyone who won't take their own step. It's weird. And not everyone has access to that kind of higher level self-awareness, whether due to great ignorance or mental incapacitation. And that's the part that I find so strange about life . . . some people probably can't help themselves.

The other day I was griping about work, and then griping about my griping. I told Bill that it does get frustrating answering the same questions day after day. It occurred to him that probably everyone feels that way, so it's best to get in a line of work where you're answering the question you don't mind being asked! I found it related to Elizabeth Gilbert's line that you should live in the city that has the same word as you have. I'm still unsure what my word is and I'm working on finding the question I wouldn't mind answering! I'm afraid, though, that it would be some shallow question; but, maybe it's something closer to "Can I do this?" Because all I want to say to people is, "Yes! You can do this!" And it occurs to me that the flipside to that response is something like, "Jesus Christ, you did this? This is a monstrosity and a mistake and you should do better." I guess I find myself as the critic and the encourager; someone enmeshed in other people's lives and finding how that role fits into her own life. It's weird like that!

About the Cats

2011-12-03T13:13:00.000-06:00

I would like to take this moment to write about my cats; it’s simply been too long since I have sang their praises. I hold many silly beliefs just because I like having them because they are fun to play with. I don’t so much care for the literal truth because it’s so obvious and once something is obvious, then there’s nothing much to play with. So I play with the belief that my sweet boy kitty, LZ, was once a prince in a past life. And now his karma brought him a life where he was a street cat rescued from the pound. He acts like a know-it-all and he does have a regal air. I think maybe he was a prince from Russia or something. I really don’t know anything about Russia, so I’m going to have to learn. Also I need to learn more about: (the usual things on this list), what soil looks like above coal deposits, Barry Goldwater, China’s power system. I think LZ and I have an almost erotic relationship, which is almost disturbing on two fronts: human-animal and mom-son. I swear the way he loves me is not the way an animal has loved me before. He will climb on my chest in bed at night and put his face in my mouth (or try at least, you know) and we will just expect a lot of love. He is almost always snuggling with me. He needs a lot of attention, but there is an undercurrent of charged energy—passion?—that comes with that cat. It makes me wonder: since all matter came from the Big Bang, did LZ and I (and the rest of the universe) just share a closer infinite closeness to each other than with other matter? That is, how have our molecules always interacted with each other and what are we playing out together now? I am on the record: cat and woman love is the most fulfilling love. Except for the fact that it does not require my trust or push my faith. Or does it?

I always wanted to be a princess, so it makes me laugh that this prince cat has come into my life. And just now I had a bad memory and I was indulging in it and was almost crying. I was on the floor and he jumped off the futon and came by me, saving me from a pity party. Reminding me that he’s around and there’s no need to be sad. How did he know to do that? Or, was he actually brushing by me and then standing suggestively near the food dish telling me he wants more dinner? What is there to gain from trying to interpret cat behavior through the human lens?

In early morning logic a few days ago it came to me that Queenie and I share the same karma. Wherever we’re at, we each came to it on our own. We’re working out the same things, and maybe those things include: being bossed around by boys, weight, being extremely loveable, and now (but only on Queenie’s part) biting other people. Such things might also include: knowing everything, but rarely speaking up.

I’ve never had sole custody of animals that I chose. It’s interesting to have such creatures around, to share a home, to feel like I have a home, precisely because of such creatures.

One Writerly Mess

2011-12-01T07:21:00.003-06:00

I am supposed to be meeting my writing partner this morning, and he is late! And we haven't meet in nearly forever, so whatever it is I said I'd be working on, I am not working on. What better time to post to this blog (which I enjoy, but haven't had the time to sit down and do)?

I have had a wave of anxiety and the accompanying insight that follows in its wake. It's interesting how that works. I'm getting better at voicing my discomfort to myself and figuring out what it is that I need. And trusting that I'll take care of myself . . . all those good things that sound wonderful in theory and can actually wiggle their way down my brain and into my body and everyday practice.

It turns out that I feel superanxious in my relationship. I invent hypothetical situations for the future and then wonder how/if Bill will respond to those situations. I voiced such a situation to the guy the other night, and he gave his standard response (he's nothing if not consistent), which was reassuring and so boring to the anxious mind. What anxiety can't embrace, however, doesn't feed it, so it must move on to another state, which is something that feels more like peace and calmness.

I realized that I am constantly expecting and putting people in place to tell me "no" to my biggest dreams and the best image I have of myself. Isn't that interesting? I want permission to be who I want to be, and I think I can get that from lovers, family members, and friends, when I can really only get it from myself. It's a strange position to be enmeshed in a relationship and to still work on myself. Probably all the energy I put in to making myself attractive to a romantic partner is the energy I need in order to make myself feel lovable to myself. And now there is this partnership that means so much to me, but I realize how inadequate I am as a lover because I can barely understand what it actually means to be open to love, to say yes to love.

I guess when a relationship starts, I wonder: am I worthy? Is this the real thing? All the images I have of myself and the other person come into play; there are always those two images: one of self and one of other. As time passes, you get to see the other person better (and we know how those illusions can fall away), and now I'm learning to see myself better (before a relationship breaks, for once). I no longer feel so stone-like; being fluid feels foreign in many senses. I am struggling to create my own life and to allow myself to drop images of what things could or should be like, and to trust that Bill and I can make our own decisions as we build our lives together. That's probably just the hardest thing: building a life with someone. I probably have always been too independent to do this before, even though that independence could manifest as reliance and dependence upon the other person. Who knows? I don't really care, actually.

Maybe if I had more concrete goals or more pedantic desires, this wouldn't be so difficult! It's hard to turn lofty goals into something tangible. That's a new thought and one I'll play with for a while.

In the meantime, it's time to get to the concrete work of going to work! xoxoxoxo

Wild Flag

2011-11-14T20:11:00.002-06:00

I just picked up Wild Flag's first album. The lead singer and guitarist, Carrie Brownstein, is from Sleater-Kinney (and she has a funny show, "Portlandia," on FX); drummer Janet Weiss is from Sleater-Kinney, too. While I'm not a huuuuuuuuge Sleater-Kinney fan, I do admire them and I admire this band, too. Basically, there's nothing much more awesome than women rocking out. And I like this song and wanted to share.

Let us not forget our women nor our punk rock!

This Godforsaken State

2011-11-06T20:34:00.003-06:00

We've had two earthquakes this weekend, here in Oklahoma. One, around 2am Saturday, I did not feel. And then another (5.6 magnitude) around 10:50pm that I did feel. I'm just going to complain here: IT SUCKED! What the fuck is wrong with this state?! I can barely handle tornado threats and ice storms and now there are fucking earthquakes? Nope. Oh, Oklahoma, no.

More About Me

2011-11-03T20:13:00.004-05:00

I've had the opportunity, lately, to learn more about myself. I've been dabbling in different career exploration books and reading some of Oprah's life class online. I'm finding it a lot of fun. Until, that is, Boyfriend says that maybe the problem isn't with me finding my passion, but rather just with me. As in, I need to look within.

I couldn't quite explain it to him at the time, but I want to say that I've done a lot of looking within and I've come to the conclusion that I need to do some looking without. Not within.

Like a few weeks ago I had to accept responsibility for the fact that I am always accepting responsibility.

Looking within and then without helped me understand how amorphous my boundaries are (I was going to write that they are amourphous; they are probably that, too); I conform easily to whatever situation I'm in, even if it isn't a positive, healthy situation for me. I conform to jobs, people, relationships, and any expectation someone might have for me. I had the chance to see this at work as Bill and I had the privilege to visit my family. I saw how I froze up with anxiety when trying to balance everyone else's needs and wants. I saw how that anxiety made it difficult to communicate with me. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I saw myself in a new way.

This helped me see myself in a new way at work. Many positive people come into the office and many poisonous people come in, too. It's difficult for me to not sponge up everything. And then I only want to hold on to the good interactions and fret over the difficult ones. That part is my attachment to these situations. But the sponging part seems like a feature of myself that I didn't know I had; I didn't know I was like that.

No wonder, then, I run from those people and places I get close to. It's hard for me to be myself around others just like, conversely, it's hard for me to be myself without others. It's strange like that, not knowing who I am, exactly, while having strong notions of self. Other people seem to do selfhood pretty straightforwardly. I don't know, however, what I exactly mean by that.

I think part of what I mean is that I am having more fun in the physical world and in tangible goals. For example, I recently paid off a credit card. I'm getting myself out of debt. That's a good goal to have (and unlike weight loss, no one ever tells you to just accept who you are with your credit), and I'm working on it. I've accomplished something. I have other goals for myself; I want to accomplish things. And I don't want to hear that I need to change in order for those accomplishments to occur. This is what I mean about the strangeness because, paradoxically, by wanting to not change myself, I am changing the part of me that used to want to change myself. And that is happening because I want to change. Change can actually be change, is what I think I'm trying to say.

And here's a picture from Colorado (Lily Lake):

Romance

2011-10-15T13:54:00.002-05:00

I had a great conversation with an old friend the other night--we were talking about romance. I wish I didn't feel so paper thin, weak, in holding romantic viewpoints; or, I wish I didn't hold romantic viewpoints. But I do.

It has been my turn to check-out My Faraway One, letters between Georgia O'Keeffe and Alfred Stieglitz. They are beautiful letters and the editor, Sarah Greenough, has done a lovely job with compilation. O'Keeffe and Stieglitz use many dashes--it's wonderful! And I can't help but feel an affinity towards O'Keeffe.

What else am I reading? Retirement Heist, by Ellen Schultz. It's goddamn infuriating what companies do; the book is truly wonderful in the way it explains things and makes the financial transactions accessible (to my little pea brain).

Romance, art, politics, law . . . human stories. Learning more about myself and other people. Trying to, literally, clean up what's around me--that's what I have been up to these beautiful fall days!

I Continue to Not Get Hit By Space Junk

2011-09-24T15:14:00.002-05:00

Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

But it does happen here in Oklahoma. I heard this on NPR the other day, and it made me laugh so hard. Of course the only recorded person to ever get hit by falling space debris lives in Tulsa. Of course! How could it be any other way? Space junk does not hit anyone in Paris, France or Chicago, Illinois. It does not fall on the heads of someone in Antarctica or Africa. It stays out of range of those living in Washington (state or DC) and is far from New Zealand. This is exactly what I mean about Tulsa--it's so unexpected! When I have to face the inevitable question of why I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I am just going to say, "because it is home to the only person to have ever been hit by space junk."

Here's the NPR story from earlier this week.

The Moon

2011-09-15T21:00:00.002-05:00

Last night I had an experience of driving west, away from the full moon. I had watched the moon all along my route (it sure has been beautiful lately). I came to a point in my drive where the moon was perfectly in my rear-view mirror--I could look in the mirror and thing the moon was right in front of me. It was so curious! I knew the moon was behind me, but it looked like it was in front. I thought that it was the perfect metaphor I was looking for for the day.

Something feels unsettled; I feel like a very shallow person with superficial experiences. The way things appear to me just may not be the truth. I may know the orientation of something, but I also may lose out on looking at it from a different angle. And in trying on a different angle, I may too deeply question the truth of an orientation. I thought of labyrinths and how you might seem close when you are far away and far away when you are close. How is one to know?! It is impossible! I try to take advice of people smarter than me and to ask different questions instead of "Why why why why why?" (So far, though, the question I have sounds more like an angstful bleating, which is more of a statement than a question.)

Nothing Much to Say . . .

2011-09-11T19:49:00.001-05:00

. . . but have come across a couple of phrases that I really love. The first comes from writing group today and is Sheila's phrase: "nomadic fearfulness." I love it and wish I had written the line!The other comes from Oklahoma Statutes Title 12: "Hearsay Within Hearsay." I just love that one, too.Something else to consider:I was told today, in writing group, that some of my repetitions are rather Biblical. And here I thought they were just obsessive! Funny to think about the religious part of our brains being connected to the obsessive part; it makes sense, I think--all of the rumination over things that are felt and not known.So here's to good lines and poetry, where ever we find them.

Updates: Melancholy, Bangs, and Jogging

2011-09-05T20:53:00.004-05:00

Bill and I watched Megamind this weekend, and I really enjoyed the movie. It inspired me to write something for kids! I'll have to put that on my list . . .

My list of things to do has gotten larger, yet more organized. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the woman I want to be--the woman I hope to be, someday--and this woman has gotten stuff on her to do list done! And she's done it without being a nutso; man, is it too much to ask to not be a nutso?

I have been trying to write a bit in my diary every day about what it feels like being in love with Bill; this is a thirty day experiment. So far, and maybe just because it's been my period, being in love sounds (it doesn't feel this way, but it sounds this way) a lot like, "Do you love me? Who are you? How would I know if you did love me?"

Oh my goodness! Will this girl ever go away?! Maybe post-menopause I won't be so moody? What happens to women and their emotions after menopause? If someone knows, then please tell me!

I get so moody and then I remember that, oh yeah, I totally kick ass. I imagine that I am the most amazing woman in the world--and always, always, so fucking modest--and that it's only natural that Bill fell in love with me. I imagine my exes everyday thinking, "Why am I such an idiot for letting that girl out of my sight and arms? Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" And then I imaging them thinking, "Well, I know she would want me to go on. I'll try and love again." I imagine that I am so funny and I imagine my body is attractive and I imagine that I am super-smart--this is what helps get me through moments when I feel so down about myself.

Megamind, in the movie from last night, feels deflated because he has lost his nemesis and his reason to carry on; he says, "I feel melancholy." Only he pronounces "melancholy" like "mel-lan-ko-lee." It is superfunny! And a good reminder, too, I thought, of not taking such a feeling so seriously. I thought, "I need to try that the next time I feel blue."

And we might as well mark on the calendar that I'm going to feel blue in three weeks and a day. Oh my goodness. It is hard work for me to do my job and have a period at the same time; I either need to cry during breaks or take the day off. Hard work. And then I can come out of it. As an update, I still like my job. And I still wished it payed more.

Also as an update, the internet at my place is intermittent (or intermitten, as my accent wants me to write), so it's difficult to blog as much as I want. Also making it difficult to blog is my new schedule. It's been two weeks, so far, of paralegal courses at the community college. Just something I'm trying. I, so far, do enjoy them and I don't. Some classmates are annoying, and the idea of ever having to defend a corporation makes me sick to my stomach. It's almost too practical of a career path for me to entertain. But, I also feel like there's some connection that I'm going to be able to make if I hang in with these classes. I'm not sure what it is yet. But if I've ever been an idealist, now is really the time. I'm writing in the mornings, before work, and have a good writing partner who meets me once a week. Guitar lessons continue (me not practicing the guitar also continues). And I've been tutoring a Chinese man who is learning to speak and reading English better than he does now. Two weeks ago, he brought his wife and son to our meeting, and I felt totally overwhelmed by the occasion.

For anyone looking for something to do, you need to get involved with your local literacy program. The Tulsa library system has a great program. It's just a nice reminder about how powerful it is to know how to read and write. It's a nice way to get to learn about somebody else, someone you could never be, although you might have been. It's just a good reminder that there are bigger things in life, things that are totally ordinary and found right in front of one's face. I'm just saying that I love being a literacy tutor, and I highly recommend it to everyone.

To address the title of my post, I got bangs yesterday. I'm not going to say I cut them myself because they still look a little crooked and I don't want to hear how I can't cut bangs. But, I did cut them myself. Bill says I look like Bettie Page. I say, eyeroll.

I got some new music recommendations from a coworker. (It feels like I am starting to fit in better at work, so that's nice!) I've been turned on to Ray LaMontagne, and he is my new favorite musician. A coworker also gave me career assessment test, and musician is on my list! I just wish I had an ear for tuning! That, and my fear of ever playing anything in front of people, is the only thing holding me back!

With Tulsa's new--and god-damned timely improved--weather (in the 70s this weekend! Downright chilly!), it feels like fall! I am hoping to take up exercising again, even though I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to fit it in during the week. I was feeling a little mel-lan-ko-lee tonight; Bill gave me a coffee table, a furnishing I had been shunning for years, due to the high level of commitment it takes to maintain all the crap that follows closely to such a piece, and it has felt a little strange being in my place. And, this is probably the most ridiculous thing I've thought (so you can bet it's pretty ridiculous), but I thought, "Why do you want me to be so comfortable in my place? Do you just want to keep me here?!" To avoid such a thought, and to ward off the blues, I made the conscious choice to go for a jog just so I wouldn't stay home and brood. It helped a lot.

And it helped because I was finally able to enroll in the wellness program at work. I have a weekly phone meeting with a wellness coach. We talked about a food plan and my numbers last week. I have amazingly low cholesterol and blood pressure, but my weight is 35 pounds from a healthy weight and 50 pounds from where I want it to be. Although, when I told her my goal weight she said, "How are old are you?" And I thought, "Oh no you didn't." But anyway, I now have a goal of losing twelve pounds in twelve weeks. I feel very nervous about that goal, so I thought if I blogged it, then maybe I would feel more accountable. I have been making better food choices this week, and I am now taking a multivitamin and calcium supplement. Damn! Why don't I take over the world while I'm at it?

Oh, yeah. And I'm now planning to take over the world. (You're welcome to join me; it's probably going to be superfun.)

Actually, instead of taking over the world, I'm just trying to adjust to the new season. Last year, with all of my teaching and money woes, feels so far away (it feels like I was needlessly dramatic) but still kind of real (I know my drama wasn't needless). I'm just in awe of how quickly things can change. That's one thing that is neat about this past year; enough stayed the same so that I can see how a few changes can make such a difference. This is only a half-formed thought. But, isn't it amazing how, in getting older, you can feel more yourself and less like your old dumb self? Like, "Thank goodness I'm changing, even though I don't blame myself for who I was?" Like, "Oh my goodness--I still get to try at this life thing?!" It's just amazing to me!

(Also amazing: Soy Vey, a teriyaki sauce I found at Super Target. It's so good!)

I Finally Know What He Won't Do

2011-08-22T18:38:00.002-05:00

I heard this on the radio last night, and it was like falling in love all over again. Watching the video makes it even more amazing. Everything about this song and video is awesome: melodrama, motorcycles, male and female singing parts, over-eroticism, time changes and slow-motion sequences . . . LOVE!

Section 1-103 - Declaration of State Public Policy

2011-08-18T21:44:00.002-05:00

This is from the Oklahoma Employment Security Act (emphasis added):

"Economic insecurity due to unemployment is a serious menace to the health, morals, and welfare of the people of this state. Unemployment is therefore a subject of general interest and concern which requires appropriate action by the Legislature to prevent its spread and to lighten its burden which now so often falls with crushing force upon the unemployed worker and his family. The achievement of social security requires protection against this greatest hazard of our economic life. This objective can be furthered by operating free public employment offices in affiliation with nationwide system of employment services, by devising appropriate methods for reducing the volume of unemployment and by the systematic accumulation of funds during periods of employment, thus maintaining purchasing power and limiting the serious social consequences of unemployment. The Legislature, therefore, declares that in its considered judgment the public good, and the general welfare of the citizens of this state require the enactment of this measure, under the police power of the state for the establishment and maintenance of free public employment offices and for the compulsory setting aside of unemployment reserves to be used for the benefit of persons unemployed through no fault of their own."

This is what government is capable of: helping people when shit just happens. I read this today and thought it was revolutionary. Unemployment services began in 1933, with unemployment insurance starting in 1936. Times, I think, have gotten worse, and we care less for each other than we did back then. I want the Employment Security Act to be a model for what government can do for us--it can help us.

Addicted to Wanting to Know Everything

2011-08-15T22:06:00.002-05:00

That's what I have. I think it's probably closely linked to obsessive thoughts.

I read something about my Myers-Briggs personality type that said it life is not easy being such type (INFJ). I was thinking: what type is life easy for?! I don't romanticize myself the way I used to when I was younger. Probably because I find myself doing the same things I used to do, only now I'm older. I used to be a very malunderstood youth writing in a cafe. Now . . . I'm just older.

(Almost like the entire key to a prior relationship:
Me: "I saw Aloof Bad Boy."
Friend: "I see more Angry Nerd.")

Things may or may not change, I suppose. But tonight I realized that a psychological component to my desire to get drunk or do drugs is rooted in the desire to have the experience of getting out of this world and into one that makes sense. I have the desire to have the experience of knowing everything--it is an experience that feels good.

Wherever we go, there we are. That's kind of a crappy lesson, a rather boring lesson. A kind of eat your oatmeal and and an apple day kind of lesson.

Until I realize that I'm realizing something new about myself! So it happened, one evening, during a guitar lesson, that I did not even drink more than a beer and I had an epiphany! "Instant karma is going to get you!"

Of a near-crippling shoulder pain Bill says, "Baby, we are so alike." Holding stress in the same parts of our bodies. I wonder if I curl up into myself as a way to protect myself from those around me. The problems people have . . . they are not always bad. But, it occurred to me today, there is a desire in many people (I am not alone in this!) to control the emotions of those around them. It is amazing, actually, to see it in progress. It is like a sticky film, perhaps. Heavier than a spider web, yet as entrapping and fragile.

I'm just spit-ballin'. I don't really know much. But there are a few synchronicities to attune to. They mostly have to do with verbal humor, sexy showers, and praying.

I have heard "Baby, we are so alike" from so many people, and it usually feels threatening. Today, though, it feels good. Without similarities, I get lost. I get angry without them!

I think humans are sticky creatures--messy and dirty. And we can occlude the truth of ourselves; it's an amazing project watching us while also being one of us. Ryan says, "We only get one go 'round!" And I think: "If we should be so lucky (as to only have to do this once)!" I'm not sure if that makes me an optimist or a pessimist. I'm not sure if I'm wasting time or doing the best job I can.

That's all. Would I drive a Mercedes if I could? Could I ever own a luxury car? That's really what I worry about.

"Entitlement Cuts"

2011-08-08T20:09:00.003-05:00

I have an air of impatience and anger and something that feels like a wanting to be recognized.

It is very hard to take care of myself when everyone else is just not getting it.

I almost had a panic attack shopping near the baby aisles in Target. That is pretty much unrelated to anything I want to say here, but I want to keep it in anyway.

I was wondering: what are the roots of boredom?

I am long in the spleen. Of humours!

Bore: "The malady of ennui, supposed to be specifically ‘French’, as ‘the spleen’ was supposed to be English; a fit of ennui or sulks; a dull time" (OED).

Family: No one wants to sleep with a family, but that's what one might possibly do if one were to get married and subsequently rear a child. Family: "Etymology: Latin familia household, famulus servant."

Servant.

A worker in the public sector. Working with those "entitlement programs."

I think when something larger is being withheld, those getting scraps will feel entitled to such droppings.

I am angry at the disparity between rich and poor. The thunder is rolling in Tulsa; the storm clouds have gathered, and they have gathered beautifully.

The debt ceiling debate, subsequent bond rating, today's market . . . in all of this, reality seems to be nowhere. What things do we actually have power to change? That's what I want to know. That's where I want to be.

Things like family and service sound nice, yet "familiarity breeds contempt" and this contempt is felt hardest by those who can't make it in our society.

If we had a model of a parent who could take care of him/herself while also protecting the offspring . . . if we had leaders . . .

I hear the thunder echo in the distance.

Sudden Lack of Good Quotes (?)

2011-08-01T22:17:00.003-05:00

For some reason, I don't believe I've come across a good quote in a while. One book I'm reading is kind of pleasant, but it's not too inspiring. (The other book I'm reading is still Emma, and is still unquoteworthy. Actually, I just realized, there is a good quote from Emma.) I don't think I've shared this:

A poet in love must be encouraged in both capacities, or neither (72).

Something wonderful, unexpectedly! Any other good quotes or hidden gems I'm missing these days?

Mareah's Blog: Up and Running!

2011-07-30T15:51:00.002-05:00

Please hop over to my crafting blog, Mareah's, and tell me what you think! I'm trying to get my business started, and I'm happy to have something in the works! My latest post shows a couple clothing items I sewed (oooh! ahhhh!); I can sew! I'm trying to convince a friend to let me make her a new dress . . . maybe I can convince you, too? I'm now taking orders for new outfits!

Mareah's: Pretty (Enough) in Pink

Cut, Dry

2011-07-29T17:20:00.003-05:00

Some things have not come easy this week, and I keep noticing how my mental and emotional state both can bring me down out of nowhere, it seems. When that happens, it's hard for me to take a step back and gain some perspective--my immediate feelings seem overwhelming. I feel like a bike that has slipped its gear. At first you are pushing on the pedal and can't get it to move, and then your foot slides to the ground and no longer will the chain turn the gear (and vice versa). It's a stuck feeling, though by no means a permanent one.

I have had job stuff on the mind. I've been enjoying my new job (although today it was really slow, and I can't stand being bored), but it does come with the downside of not paying well. So I've been throwing out different options in my mind and even started looking around for a new job (which, in itself, is like an addiction to me). I've had to make some decisions about what I want to do, and I have made those decisions! These are decisions that I made earlier, but needed to reaffirm for myself, I guess.

I have just felt guilty for enjoying my job while thinking about moving on from it, too. But then today, when I was thinking about my salary, I thought, "My dream job doesn't pay this wage. Then this must not be my dream job." You see, I had been so worried about money, and thought that I should just get another job--anything--to help make ends meet. I thought I could just work that job until . . . I had some bills paid off and then I could devote my time to sewing and writing.

But I sense in myself that I am not as strong and industrious as I used to be. I can't work as hard at unfulfilling tasks any longer. And I don't think that's a character flaw, either! I deserve, like anyone, a meaningful career. I don't expect--especially for someone like myself--that this meaningful career is going to come without some some searching. But I know three things: I need a job where I can save the world, write, or sew. If I can't do one of those things, then I'm out. And "saving the world" might mean "changing the world."

Thinking about jobs in terms of relationships has been helpful in the past, and it's been useful this week, too. I have been trying to rebound back to teaching. I've considered proposing a book club idea to the principal; in all, a great idea. I run down my reservations, though, and I realize that I'm just trying to save the school--I feel responsible for it. As much as I want to work with the kiddos, especially on a volunteer, more free-form basis, I just don't know if I can bring myself to raise the idea. I'm not responsible for the school.

It feels like teaching is my marriage . . . so good in theory, and in practice? Sometimes good and sometimes bad. IT comes with a lot of baggage, though, and it's like it doesn't even want to work with me! It has started to believe its own bullshit! I just have a heavy feeling about the book club idea--nothing I can verbalize, but something I need to pay attention to and heed. Just like a marriage . . .

Which is why, being in a job outside of teaching, feels liberating and exciting, like dating feels. But when that sinking feeling of, "This could be better . . ." starts to arise, it's hard to ditch out on a job like you can a man. I have had those experiences, though, of thinking, "Oh, this is how a man should treat me," and I can apply that to, "Oh, this is how a job should treat me." So I had to tell myself that I'm still in the dating phase of my job. Hell, it's written on my file that I am in probation--why do I marry myself off so early in the game?! Just like I have while dating, I can keep my eyes and heart open to things that don't feel right and I can seek to find ways to improve those things. I will no longer feel guilty for wanting more money in my life; I don't think that's a thing I need to feel bad about.

All of that guilt is probably why I have felt so foggy and trapped for much of the week. Why do I do this to myself? Why do some many of us do this to ourselves?!

Amy Winehouse

2011-07-23T14:08:00.004-05:00

What a total bummer . . . I just heard that Amy Winehouse was found dead. I love her album, Back to Black.

Less-Is-More Day!

2011-07-21T06:57:00.005-05:00

I just wanted to make a morning post to announce Third Annual Less-Is-More Day, the day in which we rid ourselves of unnecessary things (physical or mental constructions). If you want to share, I'd love to hear how you celebrated the day!

It's been three years since the apartment fire and a couple weeks ago, at a garage sale, I saw an old dish that I used to have. It was startling seeing it because I felt like I was remembering another life, or seeing an old friend that you can't remember you ever had.

I've been remembering more about that apartment and realizing how uncertain I've felt these past few years in making a home for myself. The one I had--the one I really loved--disappeared on me! I miss it a lot, especially lately, for some reason. I worry that I'm too hung up on the fire, but it is entwined with my identity in ways that I can't fully explain. So much good has come from it and a lot of sadness, too. And that's what it is to me. I'm happy to have this experience--and it keeps on giving me something new to consider!

This year I haven't gotten rid of anything yet. If it counts, I've picked up a bit of my sewing mess and have nearly finished a shirt. Umm--what else? Maybe tonight I will make an effort to clean off the desk and put some things in order. Otherwise, this Less-Is-More Day is going to be more ephemeral for me.

UPDATE: I just received word that a Kiva loan I made has been repaid in full, so I was able to reloan that money. This is all thanks to the ex-boyfriend who gave me the Kiva money as a gift. How thoughtful of him, and how lovely that it can continue being used! This is such a nice thing to have happen today!

I Understand Men Now

2011-07-19T21:48:00.005-05:00

It took today (and my whole life), but I think I understand men now.

(But we'll get to that later.)

I burned myself on the angriest batch of chili I have ever made. And I have had a severe case of road rage for the past week or so; damned if nearly every driver in Tulsa isn't either a goddamned or a fucking idiot.

And then I thought: genetics! Dad always told me, rather pejoratively, that I drive like my mother. But which parent creates a palpable air of anger or, rather, a "tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan"? That would be my father.

Last night I received a bill from my dental insurance saying that I needed to pay for a visit that I thought was covered. I threw the bill down and exclaimed, "Of course!" I was angry! Once I had my outburst, of course I realized that this must just be a simple mistake, and of course simple mistakes happen because, of course, I make them myself.

But that feeling of indignance, along with my road rage, stayed with me today.

I fantasized about being able to work from home. I didn't want to call in today; I wanted to work, but I didn't want to have to go in to work. I imagined that I owned a home in the Rockies that had a sweeping view and I would get to sew all day or call in and do the job I have now.

I got very homesick yesterday, listening to an NPR report on bluegrass festivals in Colorado. "In Lyons, a town north of Boulder . . ." I thought, "My Lyons?! The place I would drive through to get to the mountains?" It feels like a million lifetimes ago that I was there.

I am reading a book, thanks to a blog I follow, called Confessions of a Buddhist Atheist. Steven Batchelor came of age in the late '60s and traveled around doing drugs and finding god, reading Kerouac and Ginsberg. I am jealous of that life. I am so jealous that it borders on rage. I say I'm jealous of things all the time, but usually I don't really mean it. But I am so angry (so angry that I could almost spit fire, as I like to say we say here in Oklahoma) that I was not a world-traveling, pot-smoking, god-seeker in the 1960s. I, impetulantly, declare that It Is Not Fair. (I'm probably going to live this same life over and over until I am able to get over this type of romanticization of the past. Thanks, reincarnation.)

I shared a prose poem in writing group last month and it had a line that was, perhaps, too easy: "Whatever we've brought on, we've brought in on ourselves." I was asked if I really believed this because, the feedback went, how could I be complicit in something I'm just now discovering?

I thought that was letting me off the hook a little too easily. But the feedback has stayed with me. I drive around in the Oklahoma heat and I just feel plastic. A friend laughs at me when I described how we are living amongst these chemicals; they are eating our brains out. They are sucking my soul out. (I daydream of two weeks in the Colorado mountains being able to hike and not forced to talk to anyone.) It is not a natural place we live in. I don't know who did it, but we are living in a plastic conspiracy (I realized this while on nitrous at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned); I was indoctrinated into the conspiracy as a school child, being told that we need to recycle our newspapers. The finger has always been pointed at paper. But, am I a mega-idiot, or doesn't paper disintegrate on it's own? I'm not saying don't recycle paper. I'm saying left to its own devices, it is actually fine. I'm not saying let's not conserve the trees we have--I'm not saying that at all. I am saying . . . WHAT ABOUT ALL THIS FUCKING PLASTIC SURROUNDING US?

Sometimes I change my mind about whether I do believe in the devil. I think some people are evil, but mostly I think those people have a bigger problem and that problem is idiocy. I think there are conspiracies and bigger things people behind-the-scenes control, but I don't think our plastic problem can be attributed solely to people. I think it's the Devil's doing. But that probably makes me sounds like an idiot myself.

i'm just tired. That's all I want to say. When the angry chili jumped out of its pan and onto my thumb, I shrieked. I put my hand under cold water and made sure Queenie would stay out of the kitchen. And then I had a mini-melt-down and cried out, "Doesn't anyone care about me?"

And that's when I knew why I was so angry.

Later, Ryan came over for my guitar lesson. I learned how to strum better. I have a new tutee for the library's literacy program, and they have to sign a paper that gives them a few ground rules, one of which is that they understand that reading during the course of the week will help them progress faster. I thought, "I hope Ryan doesn't ever expect me to practice the guitar during the week." In October-ish, he will have been giving me lessons for a year, and I've made the type of progress an ant makes in carrying Mount Everest. It is not much.

And so when we were strumming, I felt myself curl in to myself and I felt myself forcing myself back out. He told me to make up a pattern, and I did, but then he told me to add to it. I was pissed! I almost snapped at him, and I retreated to the place in my brain that remembered how horrible it felt playing the trumpet with boys all around me. They expect so much and they say one thing to try to make you feel comfortable, but when you do that one thing, it's never good enough for them. This is why it is horrible to play music with boys; they are infuriating.

Ryan told me that when I'm uncertain, I get quieter and I hardly play. He said it should be the opposite--that when one is uncertain, one should play louder.

And this is how I finally came to understand men.

I'm not especially insecure or perfectionistic or unplayful or less experimental or more tempermental or more sensitive or less able; I just don't go for it when I'm uncertain. That's all. Just like, right now, I am not going for it when I feel the pull of this moon and this summer heat calling me to drive an Oklahoma night drive. I talked to a woman today from Small Town, Oklahoma, embroiled in a small town scandal. I could listen to her all day; I have listened to women like her all day. She said, "I could write a book!" I told her she should. She said she needs a typist. Then she heard me type everything up and said that I could do it. I said, "I was thinking the same thing." The compulsion to visit her is quite strong. But I won't go--it wouldn't be sensible, and I'm just now starting to get something called Adult Cred back in my life. I see plenty of people with loads of Adult Cred and I think, "Did I miss the boat on that one or what?" So I retreat into fantasies because that's the place where I feel like I've actually accomplished something with my life. A friend worries about his legacy. I wonder if Marx says that a worker could still choose to work after seeing through false consciousness. I recall Sister Ellie telling a story about a man who carries the water until he is enlightened, after which he still . . . carries the water.

I don't envy Steven Batchelor's life, even though I am jealous of his circumstance. Sometimes I think the life I'm leading now is the best of every world because it has its challenges while also having loads of privilege to get through these challenges. Imagine being a mother of four and working at KFC until you have a scabies outbreak, which causes you to lose your job. Imagine that. It has really happened to someone. I have a load of these stories; they don't end. Does anyone else realize this? These stories do not end. My life plays out in snippets in parallel with what I hear around me--some of it comes first- or second-hand. And I think, "This is the big picture, people. This is life."

Dad Apologizes for the Inevitable: I Preemptively Forgive, Graciously

2011-07-15T19:46:00.003-05:00

Tonight Dad offered apologies for one day--should the day come--when he turns into his father. I told him that I forgive him . . . and a whole lot of good that will do him while one of my sisters take care of his ol' self.

Heehee!

Maybe some dad could spend less time fretting about the future if he picked up some watercolors that he keeps meaning to use (guilt works both ways now, Pops!).

A Trillion Million Interesting Thoughts

2011-07-07T15:32:00.003-05:00

I am caught in my pattern of believing my thoughts are very interesting and that they warrant sharing. What a persistent pattern! Will I indulge the desire yet again?

. . .

. . .

(Still not indulging

but still not not

indulging.)

(Remember when my ex-boyfriend said that poems were "self-indulgent" and I took his line and wrote it into a pretty good love poem for him? Oh, you don't remember that? I do because I've been looking through my old poems and I've put a collection together and now, even though I weeded a lot of poetry out, I think a lot of the collection sucks. Total bummer! And now I have some love poems, but no love poem for Bill yet. So . . . awkward.)

I took the day off due to menstrual cramps and low mental health. I'm really glad I did, although now I could really use some rock and roll and time to sew. Instead--this compulsion to write.

Basically all I wanted to share was two things:
1. I got some new music from the library, including Eyelid Movies, by Phantograms. I love the title because I know exactly what constitutes eyelid movies. They have a song that goes, "I should have been easier on you," and since a man sings it, I'll forgive all the men who should be singing this song to me.

2. I've been thinking about two things: curiosity and closure, due to the book Curious? and how it brought these things to my attention. I'm not very good at closure, but I don't think that necessarily makes me a curious person. I am interested in closure, though, and of getting some for myself.

3. Last night Bill and I pieced-out how grandiose personality disorder is very similar to low self-esteem and neediness.

4. Did you know "Tender" is an emotion? I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA. You have happy, excited, tender, scared, angry, and sad.

5. We all have a natural resting state of emotion, and I just heard today that there's a technical term for this, but I can't remember the name. And there's something about how we treat newborns that influences their natural state of emotion.

6. I hope my sister and brother-in-law can keep that in mind as they begin raising their newborn, born yesterday morning! Mom has sent me pictures and the baby boy is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!

7. I picked up Pema Chodron's book Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears. Good title, huh?

8. I got scared yesterday because I realized how much I love Bill. It scared me because he could totally do that man thing where they go through a mid-life crisis and start sleeping around. And it scared me because he could not feel the same way about me. I had to realize (again) that most aspects of either of those issues was not my business; so I'm trudging forward with something I call love, but may just be blind idiocy and delusion--something that looks like me talking in the mirror and trying to find the best angle of my freaking face. So, either way, you know, I carry on with something I voiced squeakily to Bill last night over the phone as, "I just like you a lot!"

9. I'm working on a sewing project now. A couple of days ago I created the Arc de Triomphe of pajama shorts. If I can get them right, they will be a present for Bill (who does not read this blog, so I have no fear of spoiling this present. By which I mean, I have a great fear of spoiling the present because, as is, this is not actually a wearable piece of clothing but I don't have a fear that he will learn of the failed shorts from this blog.).

10. I'm having some great thoughts about immigration (Diane Rehm had a great segment on the topic today) and about class. I've been thinking that it's interesting that we have such a thing called Mestiza consciousness, but there's really no term for someone being between class lines. I love talking about race and listening to others talk about race, and I'm starting to wish that there was a class equivalent of saying "mixed race." I feel "mixed class," and I want to write about that some day (maybe someday it will be interesting to someone besides myself!).

11. Also, a good friend might let me dress her up by finding a dress pattern and making her a new outfit! (As long as she doesn't see how I can't even make shorts, I think I have her vote of confidence!) I'm embracing my girly side and declaring this The Wine Age. (Because girlfriend cannot drink anything else without getting a little bit sick.) In The Wine Age we drink wine (but it doesn't have to be fancy. If it is measured by the liter and comes in a box, then you know what? It's perfect.) and we embrace, like I mentioned, being girly. But we never embrace shortcuts or idiocy, which are, sometimes, associated with girliness. What else do we do in The Wine Age? I'm not sure yet, but I'm pretty sure it's something more self-loving than what we had going in The Pot Age.

12. Speaking of 11s, I finally listened to all of 11:11 by Rodrigo y Gabriela. Loved it. Also, only mildly loved a Flaming Lips album I heard. But, I am really wanting to see them next month. Who's with me? Also, who likes Primus? I can't remember my opinion on them.

That's all my thoughts right now. I'm going to go sew for a bit and then Bill and I are going to see the movie, Buck. We were going to see Tree of Life, but he expressed concern that I wouldn't be able to stay awake for it. I took that as a criticism of my intelligence and showed him a measured amount of indignance! (That's a word, right?) In high school this girl thought a David Lynch movie was a great way to spend a Friday night--does this boy even know who he's talking to?! My larger point was: Holy crap, I've watched a lot of movies this year. Maybe that's just another thing one does in The Wine Age.

PS: I forgot to share that I'm watching a BBC documentary on human origins. I'm on the part where they are exploring how the Chinese may have evolved separately from homo sapiens from homo erectus. Scientists probably know the answer to this already, but since I've stopped the dvd at this point, it's still a new idea to me! How interesting to consider!

Dear Nerds!

2011-07-06T22:24:00.001-05:00

A friend, Sheila, is putting together a poetry reading for this Saturday. You should all come! I will be reading some of my own work!

Kansas Abortion Clinic Laws

2011-06-30T22:32:00.004-05:00

Bill brought this one to my attention: new Kansas laws that mandate certain room requirements for abortion clinics. This is fucking absurd. And, I'm just ranting here, I'm tired of this kind of bull shit. Honestly--can anyone even answer what world we are even living in?

"Kan. Planned Parenthood receives abortion license":

The new rules from the Kansas Department of Health and Environment tell abortion providers what drugs and equipment they must have on hand, how big some of their rooms must be and the specific temperatures allowed in procedure and recovery rooms. The department is imposing them under a new licensing law that takes effect Friday.

The licensing law is part of an unprecedented surge of anti-abortion legislation that has advanced through Republican-controlled legislatures in many states. Collectively, the measures create an array of new obstacles — legal, financial and psychological — for women seeking abortions and doctors performing them.

Kansas has three abortion providers, all in the Kansas City area, and two of them haven't obtained licenses and can't legally perform abortions until a federal court intervenes. A hearing in a federal lawsuit involving the other providers besides Planned Parenthood was scheduled for Friday in Kansas City.

I'm sorry to dwell on the negative, but we also live in this world: "$100 Million ATM Receipt Found In Hamptons, Said To Belong To David Tepper"

The Wall Street tabloid site DealBreaker.com on Wednesday posted a June 18 ATM receipt from a Capitol One Bank in East Hampton showing an account with an available balance of a whopping $99,864,731.94.

The receipt is reported to have been left in the ATM after the account holder withdrew the cash.

DealBreaker later identified the account holder as David Tepper, a hedge fund manager and founder of Appaloosa Management. The site reports that Tepper joked after withdrawing the money that he "hadn't used an ATM since Lehman."

And we live in this world: Eric Cantor. That's all I want to say about that ass.

My tolerance for nonsense is just completely depleted right now. Some days I can muster it up, but honestly--I just wonder where some smart, compassionate politicians reside. "I want to go to there."

The Lottery

2011-06-27T22:11:00.004-05:00

I watched the documentary, The Lottery, this evening. I'm just venting my concerns (which probably makes me sound unintelligent) because I need some space to talk. I welcome any feedback.
A. I kind of think it's irresponsible to use individual kids and family situations to make emotional appeals. As much as like hearing people's stories, I didn't like following the lives of these four kids and their families to see whether they would get into Harlem Success--it felt too much like a competition and I was rooting for these kids (these teams) to win. Additionally, by showing those that didn't make it in to the charter school, it almost seems to take away any agency they might have when they go to a public school.

B. Maybe that's the thing that makes me the most frustrated. I do think certain schools teach better than others, but no matter where you're at, you always have the option to learn. And I'd like to think that if you're a concerned parent and you can't get your child into the best school, that you can still do a lot in your life to promote learning.

C. The movie did make me think differently about the teachers' union, and I fell in with their track of criticizing the union. I felt myself falling into what I think the movie wanted me to believe: that charter schools are helpful and that they do promote success. And that they have more latitude to do so because they are not bound by union rules.

D. I felt the passion of the educators involved in Harlem Success, and found it inspirational.

E. But I get very tired of hearing that a college education is the ultimate marker of success. It isn't, and that's a rather short-sighted goal, I think. I don't mean to sound glib about this point, by any means, because I know it's complicated by race and poverty issues. I just mean that I'm very concerned about raising another generation that believes a college education is going to solve it's problems. Not that it isn't helpful or wonderful in and of itself--it's just not going to solve anything, especially if we're just training people for more of the same.

F. So I guess I'm left thinking that I don't think I have a problem with charter schools. I am left feeling critical of the teachers' union. I am also left really missing my kiddos and wishing that I could be a good teacher! We need good teachers!

A Visit To Adultland

2011-06-27T21:52:00.003-05:00

Is it just me or is somebody going to the doctor tomorrow? And it is just me is or somebody going to the dentist on Thursday? And is it just me or are both of these trips covered by real, live insurance?

IT IS JUST ME!

Tomorrow I get some testing done as my first step on work's wellness program. I've been losing weight, and really want to lose 50 pounds from where I'm at now. I keep saying, "This is my year!" And then I visit Beamy's beloved dentist on Thursday. This is, for sure, going to be a long journey, and I'm frightened about what they are going to dig up in there. But I am so excited to go to the dentist and to start to get caught up on ye olde oral hygiene.

And not only are these body concerns being addressed, but my financial state is being addressed, too. I'm digging my way out of debt, which has been a source of shame for me, and my credit card company just offered a really nice payment plan. It's interesting to me how they are completely unforgiving when you need them to be, and then they make you a deal that is actually better than what you wanted when you wanted a break in the first place. I know one should "neither a borrower or lender be," but that's just not the way I've gone in my life. I've been ashamed at the numbers of my weight and the numbers of my debt, but it's also interesting that they are only numbers and that they do provide a definite marker by which to measure.

The good news to all of this is that none of this would be possible without my new job, which I am thoroughly enjoying. So here's to good jobs!

Movies, Curiosity, Body Image, and Humor

2011-06-26T21:53:00.003-05:00

Bill and I watched two movies this weekend, The Trip, and Super 8. I enjoyed both of them, and discovered that I would tweak each of them just slightly. It's fun to be an amateur movie critic! The clip below is--I think--so funny. And it pretty much is all I heard from Bill all weekend. Indeed.

As an end-of-school-year present, the principal gave me seasonings from the Tulsa-based company, Convenient Cooking. I used the Mexican spice tonight by baking chicken, green pepper, onion, and potatoes; it was delicious. I just saw that you can order their spices online, and I will probably do that soon!

I picked up a book called Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life, by Todd Kashdan. I skipped right to his chapter on anxiety and curiosity, in part because I feel like a know-it-all as far as these psychology/self-help/meditative books go. Kashdan used a really helpful metaphor when describing anxiety and exploration. He said to picture two dials, one for anxiety and the other for exploration. When your anxiety dial is up, there's basically nothing you can do to change it, but you can start dialing up the exploration dial. I found this helpful because there were a couple moments this week where I felt really anxious and could reason that there was nothing bad happening. But I still couldn't break out of this anxious state, and I did start making it worse for myself. I felt myself close up. And one thing Kashdan talks about is how we can still be pursuing our best lives even in the midst of such anxiety--you don't have to solve the problem of anxiety in order to go forward. I think this is important. I think it's interesting to get older and see how I've used my anxiety as a way to judge when to get out of a situation, and how I've used it as a way to hold myself back from situations. It's interesting stuff.

I read an old article on female desire in Psychology Today that I actually found very helpful. Apparently I am like most women in that I find the thought of sleeping with someone new very desirous (although not now, just for the record. I think new relationship dopamine is still flowing through my brain and body.) and that my body image plays an integral role in my sex life. I've felt for a while that if I could feel good about my body that sex would be a different type of experience. And it's hard to convey that to a partner and it's a lot like being stuck in an anxious state--there's no where to go and nothing/no one to blame because you know it's all in your head. And you know that nothing anyone says is going to make it better.

According to the article, women are more disconnected from their bodies than men. To rectify this, they offer a meditative exercise. They say to look at your naked, non-aroused body in a mirror without judging it. Whenever your mind wanders or you start judging yourself, then just come back to the moment. After, build into a state of arousal and then look at your body again. The point is just to notice your body and start to connect how it feels when you're aroused. I tried this exercise and it made me feel better about my body than I have in a while. It's all, of course, related to mindfulness. And I found a lot of connections between this exercise and Kashdan's book--a lot of what we can do is just notice whatever it is that we are feeling and experiencing. So much can happen just by noticing, instead of trying to stuff away. That's so much what I've been trying to do in my life, but sometimes I just need these reminders; I think it helps me to go a little further into life.

On a different note, Bill and I watched the season premier of Louie>, and I freaking love this show. I wish I could share what he was saying about marriage and divorce, but I can't (I tried)--suffice it to say that it was so funny!

"It's a good day for it!"

2011-06-25T15:27:00.004-05:00

The other day I was jogging and got hopeful that soon autumn would be around. I found some brown leaves that had fallen to the ground, and there are some yellowing leaves on one of Bill's trees--yes! hooray! because it is hot as anything these days (where "hot as anything" is "99 degrees F").

That said, there was a breeze this afternoon, when I went for my jog. Jogging has been slow business these days, and I blame that on the heat. Today's jog brought a couple of things: the first person, a young man asking I had seen a tree growing any small peach-looking things. He had a grocery sack and looked like he was forging for the fruit. I didn't want to engage him because sometimes I get weary of people who seem to want attention for doing something out-of-the-ordinary. And I feel very defensive while I'm jogging because I'm by myself and if I get tired, I get worried that I won't have energy to fight away any attackers. That's just what I think about--stranger danger--when I'm jogging and see men that aren't also jogging (bikers, walkers, fruit-pickers--I'm nervous about them all).

The second person, an older man who had stopped at the water fountain at the top of the trail, taking a break after jogging. I watched him while I jogged, up the hill, towards him. Someone I know (whose name rhymes with "swill") is afraid of developing low-testosterone-induced boobs that men tend to get later in life; this man had the beginnings of such boobs. They weren't unsightly, but just something to notice about bodies as they get a little older. We exchanged smiles as I jogged by, and he said, "It's a good day for it!" I smiled back, thinking how miserable I was jogging in the heat, while also enjoying the freedom to sweat during a sanctioned time (as opposed to the unsanctioned time of any other time my body is in the heat); it's a neat combination of hating being outside and panting and loving moving my body that I possess.

I loved this man's comment, and I couldn't tell if he really thought it was a good day for jogging. Since it was so hot, I thought maybe he was making a joke and commiserating with me. Or, maybe, since he had been jogging, too, he actually thought it was a good day for jogging! Either way, we we either making fun of ourselves or praising ourselves--and it felt really nice to be in that kind of positive space with him, unexpectedly!

He made me think that any day is good day for whatever we do! Otherwise, why would we be doing it? I just really like the phrase; I think it helps to alleviate anxiety and promote patience. And it's a good day for that. (Heehee.)

Baby Birds

2011-06-23T19:46:00.004-05:00

After a number of weeks roosting on the balcony post, a mourning dove welcomed two babies into this world earlier this week! The babies are large and so cute! I'll post a picture, but it's difficult to see them--I am hesitant to get a closer picture because I don't want to startle them. I'm excited they're around!

Mark Your Calendars!

2011-06-21T22:14:00.002-05:00

Quite a number of things are going on, namely my sister, V., is about to give birth again! And we are entering Birthday Season, where everyone decides to have a birthday right after each other. Also, we are one month from the third annual Less-Is-More Day! So it'd be awesome if everyone got rid of some crap this next month! I have some books I don't need, some dishes no one seems to want, and some craft projects I could easily finish. That, along with shredding some old papers, is what I'd like to get rid of in honor of the day. I'd love to hear anyone else's actions for Less-Is-More Day. So, please, give it a thought and get ready to report in a month! Thank you so much!!

Not Impatient, Just Music-Deprived

2011-06-21T21:40:00.004-05:00

As a follow-up to last night's post, I realize tonight that the thing I was missing was music--not patience!

I had a lovely conversation with a new coworker about music today at lunch, and tonight Ryan came over for an overdue guitar lesson. (Two week hiatus due to my car woes, which are now wonderfully and expertly solved by Surfside. Go there, should you live in Tulsa and have car troubles; I highly recommend them.)

My coworker mentioned a few pop and hip-hop artists that I wasn't familiar with or hadn't kept up with, so that gives me a few leads to go on, should I decide to listen to either genre anytime soon. (That's a toss-up right now.) He doesn't appear to be the type, but he goes to bars and clubs and dances each weekend. He mentioned how he likes to watch a shy person get taken by the music and start dancing without worrying about being watched. It was lovely to listen to him describe such a person.

One area I disagreed with him, in only one sense, was when he described a person listening, singing, and dancing to her music in the car, "This person is lost in her own world."

I disagreed because it seems that whole world happens when we are lost in the music--nothing else matters, and so you aren't lost, but actually just are (for once). I know I actually agree with my coworker, but something in this shade of difference led me to a realization about my job.

I realized that it's kind of an uncomfortable environment only in the sense that I care very much about my performance. I want to understand everything that I'm coming across, and that's simply impossible at this point; it's going to take time. I realized that there's an interesting mix of people watching your every move and people not giving two shits about you. It's like you are under a microscope and ignored at the same time. Which sounds to me very much like how it feels to sing and dance to music in the car. No one, and I mean no one, can watch me as I belt it out along Sheridan. Yet it can also feel like everyone is watching me (and why shouldn't they? I kick ass at singing mainstream music from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. And sometimes I throw in some arm waving, head bouncing, and steering wheel drumming to boot.).

(So, just an observation that being at work is like singing in the car.)

Tonight's lesson with Ryan was invigorating! And I was a little intoxicated, which is why I felt courageous enough to play the electric guitar. Ryan and I were ranting about religion and curiosity. He holds a position I once held, but no longer have (that is, if I'm understanding him correctly); and it's interesting to argue with him because I'm not trying to be right, but to see what he thinks of my ideas. So we decided to riff a little and see if we could create a song about our conversation. And, of all weird things, I came up with a "gnarly"* chord progression. Ryan came up with some pretty good opening lyrics. So we have a start of something that we both created. It felt fun to just let loose for a bit; I haven't really done that in our lessons before. And the electric guitar is amazing because you don't actually have to be able to play it--the distortion makes anything sound awesome. I love this instrument. And I love it with an unreal type of love.

In other music news, it had been far too long since I checked out anything new from the library. I rectified this last night by picking up Rodrigo y Gabriela, David Bowie (in part because I so much miss my old college friend, J.), Led Zeppelin, and the Editors (I have never heard of them, but I like their name and the name of their cd).

So that's what I'm listening to and that's why I feel infinitely better than I did a day ago. (Another reason why I feel better, too, is because I read The Little Prince last night; I hadn't read it before and I really enjoyed it. But speaking of things I'm reading, I'm about to get really cranky with my sister, E., who likes Jane Austen, whom I've never read before. It's taken me two weeks to read 50 pages of Emma. And do I give a single shit about this book? No, no I do not.)

*By my account, "gnarly" a positive quality; one worthy of pursuit

"Rome wasn't built in a day. Be patient. (in bed)"

2011-06-20T21:46:00.002-05:00

So read my fortune cookie the other night. Actually, come to remember it correctly, so read Bill's fortune cookie the other night; he promptly said, "This one is yours" and tossed it my way.

That really gave me cranky face because a) I hate when Bill acts like he knows me so well (unless he sees a completely flattering trait) and b) I didn't really think I needed patience.

I need tons of patience, though. And for what?! Why?! All of my hopes and goals aren't going anywhere! All of the things I'm trying to improve are being improved either slowly or not all. (And in the case of the latter, I'm trying to find different tactics of improvement.) Things are fine; I just feel restless, though. And when I say "things are fine," I mean that they are far better than fine. I just have a sense that I'm doing anything with myself. I wonder what it's about!

A Bit About the New Job

2011-06-13T22:58:00.003-05:00

I am still in the training phase of my new job, but I am slowly working into the field instead of just hanging out at the call center. I got to take some calls on Friday and shadow other employees today. It's amazing to me how sometimes people just need to talk. We just need to tell each other our woes. It amazes me how many people I'm not and it amazes me how life just deals people different situations and people will attach certain meaning to some things and not others.

In working with people, I've heard so many stories. I learned what dystonia is and how one young lady contracted it through medication for irritable bowel syndrome. I've heard from a 20-year-old man who has been diagnosed with HIV. All sorts of people have attendance problems. Some people have trouble doing the basic tasks of their job. One man with a mental handicap couldn't read the form he was given saying he was walking off his job. Some people are liars and can tell a story without blinking. Some people never thought their current reality would ever be their reality. Many women can't dress too well, but still many of them have lovely hair. I'm noticing a lot of scabs on people's legs.

With some people you sense that "things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse." With some people you sense that they are going to be ok. And in the midst are all these children! All these children everywhere! And these people who are aging--what about them? Job and work, job and work--that's all so many people do. That's one thing, and that's a fine thing.

I worked in a shipping facility one summer before going to college and a woman, in her 60s told me, "You don't want to end up like us!" And it seems that's what's many people have told me over the years. But today I realized that part of what separates us from others isn't the job we do or the jobs we're capable of doing, but the extent of our imagination and heart. My education and potential and station does mean something, but it doesn't make the difference between me and my former coworker. What is different is that I have wanted to try something that I didn't know about, and that I had support to try those things. And we all have those kinds of tries in us, but not everyone understands that. And I realize today that imagination is a true gift. The ability to dream and to see something beyond the stagnant waters we're in is not something I should have been taking so lightly!

I didn't know dreaming was in such short supply; I always thought it was brains that were lacking, but I was completely mistaken! I tried my best at brains, but that's not the bit that excites me. The soul excites me. Connecting--and, of course, not connecting--with all of these different souls is something new to me. It occurred to me today that I think the best we can do is to learn to soften our hearts. To soften our hearts and keep them inside our own chests; I think that's a worthy task.

Education Reform

2011-06-01T21:03:00.002-05:00

I'm researching education policies and reform in the US during the past handful of years. It's a big topic, so I've limited myself (right now) to books I found at my nearest library branch. I've been reading through this article, and just wanted to mention it here--it's the NYT Room for Debate topic, "Testing Students to Grade Teachers." I haven't read all of it yet, but I am struck by Paul Thomas' point on the role of poverty in education.

There are so many angles from which to approach the problem of education in America.

In my research today I found a book (in the catalog, but not on the shelf, where it should have been) called, The Lost Soul of Higher Education: Corporatization, the Assault on Academic Freedom, and the End of the American University by Ellen Schrecker. The title alone basically does it for me. I think of our nation's heritage of slavery and men and women seeking personal literacy at the cost of their lives. According to one fact I read, today's black twelfth grader has the equivalent of a white's eighth grade education. And because our educational institutions have "lost their soul," it makes it even more difficult to argue that there is value in learning for its own sake.

Some Things I'm Thankful For

2011-05-30T22:05:00.003-05:00

1. This long weekend! (Another) One without grading or lesson-planning--crazy. I really almost didn't know what to do with myself today.

2. So I cooked up some healthy food to last me for lunches this week. I'm ready to eat better . . . at least for this week!

3. I haven't mentioned this device yet, but it's wonderful--the Evolve Ladybug Showerhead Adapter. (This was part of my birthday present from Bill.) The adapter cuts off water flow to your shower once it reaches a certain temperature. This means you can wee, brush your teeth, figure out what you're going to wear for the day, and pet the cats while your shower heats up. And when you're ready to shower, you just pull the handle and your shower is instantly hot. (Sometimes too hot, though, because there is no upper limit on the water temperature.)

4. It's been the annual Cleaning of the Shit I Stored in the Freezer. A year ago I was holding on to everything I came across so that I wouldn't be wasteful. So I kind of felt like a dumb ass throwing stuff away anyway. It is such a gift to not be living in that place of desperation.

5. But others are living in that dark place, and I am struck by Gil Scott-Heron's death and his poem, "Whitey's On The Moon." In the midst of the smell of freshly baked veggies and in the shadow of a nice evening spent with someone I love, it's my hope that my gratitude will help sustain me as I work to make the world a more just and nice place to spend time. That's what I ask for tonight: vision to see what's around me and the ability to work towards towards something even better.

Some Things I Love This Week

2011-05-26T23:00:00.002-05:00

1. Bill and I saw Werner Herzog's The Cave of Forgotten Dreams last night . . . in 3D! It made me queasy in parts, but I agree with what I heard others have said--that the 3D filming goes very well with the content of the film.

There was a quote from one of the scientists saying that we are trapped in history, and I agree with him. I think it's part of the reason we are so neurotic. Bill and I were split on Herzog's postscript to the film. I liked it mainly because it was fun (without spoiling anything) to think of what kind of mutants we've become and what it means for a mutant to look at itself. Not that I think there's anything inherently whole or pure about primitive man and that we, by comparison, are more unhealthy. But, at the same time, I do think we are really unhealthy and living in scary times.

So I liked the movie, it was an impromptu trip, and a completely lovely way to spend the night.

2. I'm listening to Eddie Vedder's album, Ukulele Songs and ohmygod it's amazing. Beautiful and lovely and everything I like about listening to something new (which hasn't happened in about a month because Florence and the Machine's album, Lungs, has taken up near-permanent residence in the cd player). You can listen to Vedder's album online at NPR.

3. This lovely quote from Barbara Kingsolver's beautiful novel, The Lacuna (featuring my absolute favorite, Frida Kahlo):

It was a true conversation. About whether our ancestors had more important lives than we do. And how they've managed to trick us, if they did not. Frida felt it helped them not to put anything in writing. The people at Teotihuacan had no written language, according to Dr. Gamio. "So we can't read their diaries," she pointed out, "or the angry letters they sent their unfaithful lovers. They died without telling us their complaints."

She is right about that. No regrets or petty jealousies. Only stone gods and magnificent buildings. We only get to see their perfect architecture, not their imperfect lies. But it's a strange point to argue for an artist whose paintings are rants and confessions. Without regrets and jealousies, she would have blank canvas.

"You'd better burn all your paintings then, Frida. If you want people in the future to think you were heroic."

She fingered her beads and knit her eyebrows. Raised her glass up to the light and rolled the red liquid around, studying it. "I think an artist has to tell the truth," she said finally. "You have to use the craft very well and have a lot of discipline for it, but mostly to be a good artist you have to know something that's true. These kids who come to Diego wanting to learn, I'll tell you. They can paint a perfect tree, a perfect face, whatever you ask. But they don't know enough about life to fill thimble. And that's what has to go in the painting. Otherwise, why look at it?"

"How does an artist learn enough about life to fill a thimble?"

"Soli, I'm going to tell you. He needs to go rub his soul against life. Go work in a copper mine for a few months, or a shirt factory. Eat some terrible greasy tacos, just for the experience. Have sex with some Mexican boys." (199)

Change and Love

2011-05-24T22:15:00.004-05:00

The other day, Sister Ellie posted a quote I found really inspirational and others made some insightful comments:

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
-- Thomas Merton

This has been at the forefront of my brain these past couple of days because I have felt really brand new (as opposed to plain ol' brand new, I suppose) with this job change. I felt a shift in myself early last week and going away to Oklahoma City for orientation confirmed that I am on the path of something that feels more like me.

It felt hard to feel like a new person and have my relationship at the same time. I articulated this to Bill, who understood, but I still felt mopey around him this weekend. We talked last night and I got the closest to explaining myself that I ever have for another person. I told him that I can change easily and make substantial internal changes that may not be apparent just by hanging around me. I was afraid of changing and leaving Bill behind, so to speak. I could feel myself closing down in some ways because I felt different and was assuming that Bill wouldn't want me to change. (I didn't know I was making that assumption until just now.)

I don't know how I got so lucky--I mean, I really don't think a luckier person on this planet exists--because Bill starts talking about change and says that it would be foolish to assume that things could go on being the same. And he doesn't say it in a saccharine or obvious way, either (Saccharine Way: "Everything changes." Obvious Way: "Well, everything changes") but in a wise, supportive way (Wise, Supportive Way: "Things will change, and change doesn't have to be a bad thing." That quote is something like the Wise, Supportive Way, but it's probably closer to being unquotable.). It's just I see Bill as a person that Merton encourages us to be; he can't be in love with a reflection of himself because he's willing to let everything go away. Most people aren't that open. I don't mean that as anything . . . I'm just trying to articulate how nice it is to be in love with someone and to know that it is real but also unfinished, and thus incomplete. No, that's not my thought, either! I'm trying to find some new thoughts for this . . . I think I'm trying to say that it's nice to feel supported by someone so unconditionally--the conditions usually being the role I play in someone's life. I think those conditions, in the past, were probably a combination of self- and other-imposed. But it just feels so nice speaking up for myself and learning that I can be who it feels like I am. And knowing, too, that such a self-definition may need to be tossed out the window in the future.

It feels amazing to be understood and taken on my own terms. I can say (eventually) what I think/feel/mean and be responded to in a substantive, generative way. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but I haven't really had that experience with another man before.

Last night's conversation has been stashed in the ever-growing file of Reasons Why I Love My Boyfriend. These concepts of change, love, self-confidence, and gratitude are all mixing around in my life, and it feels alternately very wonderful and very scary.

I think many people are going through huge transitions right now, and I just want everyone to be the easiest on themselves as they possibly can. Change is happening and we probably don't need to worry it to death.

The World IS Ending!

2011-05-21T16:53:00.003-05:00

I just finished a sewing project! Hold on for the end of days, people!

The pink dress, which was conceived when S and I broke up (the first time, a couple of weeks before the final time) back in March 2010, is now complete! Completely makin' me look fat . . . but still. It's done and I was able to modify it so that it fits better. I'm want to get some of those sucky-in undergarment things and maybe a belt, too. I'll post pictures when it looks good. Or when I can come across a dress form.

Anyway, I'm excited to finish this project!

Area Woman Decides to Leave Self Unimproved For One Day

2011-05-21T14:15:00.004-05:00

The people who peddle the wheels inside my head deserve a break today. What a whirlwind this past week has been; I feel completely different from who I was a week ago. I have to say that not going to school has felt like a huge weight has been lifted. If there could be a way to work with kids without having to teach them anything, then I think that could be a lot of fun. Just brainstorming: I could still propose a reading/writing/movie series for sometime in the future.

That's enough making plans for the future, though. I have enough going on. I'm trying to be as easy on myself as possible and it's working. I realized that it's just a matter of putting my brain to rest and giving my heart a chance to speak. That might sound foo-foo-y, but the distinction has meant everything to me. I noticed last week when my brain was going a trillion miles per hour that I could say, "Is this my brain speaking?" And it was, and I could feel a warmth coming from my heart. (Again, this is just the truth; I can't help if it sounds like I'm being uncritical or dumb.) The heart was calm and strong and reassuring; the brain was worried and scared and busy. All the thoughts I have, I feel confident that I've thought them through. And there's not a whole lot I can do on many things except just continue to work or just wait and see.

I get scared about a lot of things. Mostly I hear voices from people who have given advice over the years, and for too long I gave those voices a lot of undue credit. And now I see that using my own voice is what is going to work for me; I don't have to wait until I'm famous or in a respected position before I can start using my voice. There's not really a connection between my station in life and my voice. I don't owe my voice to any cause or anybody just because I happen to have certain qualities and capabilities. And no one owes me. This doesn't mean I'm outside of things going on around me. In fact, I find myself quite angry with the state of things. Today I'm angry because of the Famiy Radio group taking advantage of people and taking their life savings to tell us the world is going to end. I'm angry it has been on the news so much. I'm mad that newspapers (like the USA Today), busses, and billboards have allowed this kind of advertising. I'm angry that money can buy exposure to the dumbest ideas and that there are no protections (heaven forbid we do our best in just watching out for each other) for people with bad ideas. I know if someone is going to do something, then there's nothing you can do to stop him; but I don't think we have to give them the best resources with which to self-destruct. I think capitalism, as it stands, enables people to make dumb decisions. End soapbox.

My larger point was just that I finally know that I'm doing alright and I know that I'm where I should be. All the feelings that I have associated with myself and my world are not all positive, and I'm trying to let myself feel my feelings. I'm trying to be more honest with myself and discerning when it comes to expressing myself. That's all! That's why this morning when I was feeling some mix of melancholy and self-pity and I didn't look to something else to try to improve who I am. I didn't need a grand plan on how I'm going to lose weight or get out of debt or be more open in my relationship. I just realized I felt how I felt and that I could still go on by just being.

Bridesmaids: A Brief Review

2011-05-15T15:49:00.002-05:00

Bill and I saw Bridesmaids yesterday, and I loved it! I wasn't expecting a whole lot from the movie because the previews looked funny enough, but not multidimensional. Maybe it's just because I am super-moody lately, but I found myself in tears a couple of times during the movie and completely laughing at many moments in the movie. It's not the silly movie I was afraid it was going to be; it's deeply funny and relatable. I loved it, actually!

Tulsa Needs This!

2011-05-15T15:47:00.001-05:00

Let's scrape together our money and do something funky!

"It's a bitter sweet symphony, this life . . ."

2011-05-13T15:10:00.005-05:00

Well, today was my last day of teachin'. I'm all teached out. All assignments I've been given have been graded. All lesson plans have been planned. All important information has been passed along.

It was recommended that I not tell the kids that I'm leaving. So I made them bookmarks and wrote a note to them telling them their great qualities that I see. I told both grades that I am so proud of them. The seventh grade asked, "So where's our potential now?!" I raised my hand to my shoulder. "Oh, so our potential is about as tall as you?"

I smiled. It's funny how something can be pretty bad, but you know you're going to miss it anyway. I got an "I love you, Teacher" from one of my favorite students. I told her that I loved her, too, which felt weird, but strangely true.

The sixth graders are my favorite group because they are funny, respectful, and smart. Yesterday, while the girls were in art one of the boys said to me, "You know you like us better when the girls aren't around! Just admit it, Teacher!" They were making me laugh about something. Today all the sixth graders were wound up because they got to turn in all three of their textbooks. It was a free reading day for them, and another one of my favorite students was sitting up at my desk. He drew a picture of a plane on fire with people parachuting into the open mouth of a shark. I looked at him and said, "What does this have to do with Hugo Cabret?!" He said, "Nothing." I wrote on his paper, "Yikes!" Another student saw this and said, "I'm surprised you didn't write 'Explain'!" That made me laugh. When someone has your number, they have your number.

Like in the seventh grade today, I turned on the radio that was in the classroom. Only one station came in, and it wasn't bad. But when they got too loud, I'd turn the radio down. And then, magically, they would be quiet. One of the worst kids, who's turned in about zero work this whole year, said, "Great. now she knows our weak spot." And I thought, "Great. Now I know their weak spot." Rest assured, though, that that strategy would fail if I could try it again on Monday.

Even this kid, though, waited around for the bookmark I made for him. He has shunned candy before, and I can't help but think that he does care about what I think of him. I want only what's best for these kids; I want them to see that they can do so much more. I'm leaving the year thinking that parents have so much influence and control over kids. It's been my experience that my influence has accounted for jack shit. But I also hope that they will recall that at least one moment in their lives, someone believed they had more in them than they could imagine. I hope they don't settle for being ordinary, even when everything else in their lives might tell them that it's ok.

One girl in the sixth grade told me that I made another girl cry. That girl responded with, "Well, she told me I could be anything." The message I was getting in first grade this girl is now getting in sixth--I think, as a society, we can do better than this. After the sixth grade left, I started crying. I just am going to miss them!

And then I received the mail today. I have a new employee orientation in Oklahoma City for two days next week, and I am qualified to stay in OKC for two nights! I feel like a fancy pants. I have this weekend to decompress and get ready for the next, new adventure. All the guilt I've accumulated over the years and all the responsibility I feel towards so many things, well, I'm going to try to shed all of that. If the hotel in OKC has a hot tub (which I know are cesspools of disease and filth, but still), then I think that sounds mighty nice right now. At the minimum, it has a free breakfast. Hot damn!

Do I Live With the Donald Trump of Cats?

2011-05-10T22:08:00.004-05:00

Tonight Bill posed the idea that LZ might be the cat equivalent of Donald Trump--asshole to the nth degree. I tried to protest and said that LZ isn't nearly as ignorant as Trump, but Bill shot back by saying maybe LZ attacks Queenie because she's darker than LZ.

Bill suggests LZ go into the motivational book business.

I suggest LZ better straighten out his cat attitude if he ever wants to get out of time-out again. And don't even think time-out is in your room anymore, buddy. Bathroom. For real. Tear all the toilet paper you want--that roll is nearly out.

I've been wondering, partly because it's in my face every school day, what I would do if I ever had a kid that was an asshole. I would hit my kid--no doubt. LZ has been getting face whacks and butt spankings on his way to time-out. And I've rolled the exercise ball at him as a pre-emptive strike before he pounces on Queenie.

LZ is totally frustrating and he might spend the whole night in the bathroom for all I care. I cannot tolerate the cat fighting any longer.

To LZ:

Also to LZ: We can order this in comb-over red/gray/brown(barf).

I Love This Blog!

2011-05-10T13:53:00.002-05:00

I came across a new blog the other day, Awful Library Books, and it's a fabulous site! Two librarians weed out old books and post the funny and/or atrocious results on their blog. Today's gem: Guerilla Television (1971).

I Am So Good To Me

2011-05-09T14:49:00.005-05:00

I am on Me Being Good To Me Time. I am anxious about starting my new job, and my brain was in overdrive last week. This week I am just aiming to finish up the last school stuff I need to finish, and I want to relish being done with that job and relish moving on. I have made some plans for myself, and damn if I don't love them. This morning I woke up in the most wonderful way possible and now I'm drinking some iced tea. I'm listening to music, which is going to be key during Me Being Good To Me Time. I'm planning to talk to some friends and be productive and go outside for some exercise. But right now I'm planning to crawl into bed for a bit and read and probably get a whole face-full of cat. Creatures love me and I love them and I love me. It feels pretty nice that way.

"Momoirs"

2011-05-06T14:42:00.004-05:00

The NYT Well Blog has a good post on writing six-word memoirs about your mom; they are calling them "Momoirs." I enjoyed clicking through and seeing what other people wrote. And I added one of my own (which I don't feel like sharing here). I just know that I got lucky with the mom I got!

A Couple Happy Things

2011-05-04T16:23:00.002-05:00

I've hit the stage where I am overwhelmed with the news and feeling very sensitive and fragile. So I'm trying to keep the ol' chin up! Something that is definitely helping is reading Barbara Kingsolver's The Lacuna--it's a beautiful book.

Something else that is helping is realizing just how far my students have come in their writing this year; I swear they are all doing so much better!

Something else: I'm pruning my old writing and am ready to jettison all the crap I've written. I can't say that I will miss it at all!

Tavis Smiley's interview on NPR, on his book Failing Up gave me a smile. I love hearing when shit happens to successful people--it gives me hope for my own life! And I do believe that there is something to be learned in everything we do. Kenneth Branagh's interview on "Sunday Morning" had a similar theme; he said he learns more from his failures than from his successes. Learning is so important!

My family/friends are also making me very happy. Here's to wonderful people!

Osama bin Laden

2011-05-01T21:51:00.003-05:00

I'm listening to Geraldo Rivera on the radio telling us that Osama bin Laden is dead and his dead body is in US possession. Bill called me on his way home to tell me. And it's so weird because, at dinner, I saw a plane circling low on its arrival to Tulsa International Airport and I asked Bill, "Where were you on 9/11?"

Does this mean we can get out of Afghanistan now? What will happen there? What will happen in Pakistan?

Local Movie Project

2011-04-30T17:20:00.002-05:00

I heard about this movie project through a friend who went to school with the singer, Beau Jennings, who is creating a song and movie project to honor Will Rogers. The movie people are looking for some funding; donations start at $10. Check it out!

The Verdigris: In Search of Will Rogers

An Hour From 31

2011-04-28T23:52:00.004-05:00

Well, my big year of being 30 is nearly over! As I lie (I really want to say "sprawl" to avoid they lie/lay and now the new "lye" debate) on my bed, I want to write a retrospective. I want to write some goals for the next year. I feel like getting personal, even though there's no need and there probably is a need to not get personal!

In this past year I've done some heavy-duty examination of myself and my life. I've had to work harder than I have before. I've had to face a lot of crap that I've never had to face before. And I've come out so much better for all of it; I can't believe that I'm at the age where I'm knowing myself. I can't believe that some things haven't been easy for me.

And all of this while falling love with a great man. Here's to the men I've dated this year--cheers, good men! And here's to the men I haven't dated this year--hooray! And here's to the cutest man alive on this planet, my dear Bill.

While we're cheering, here's to my family and friends (a distinction that is so slippery because both get mad at me, happy with me, and save my ass from everything . . . while also, at times, driving me crazy!). And here's to, like, a trillion baby births of said family/friends this past year!

Tomorrow night I am having a birthday party; I think everyone should come. It should be some good times. Bill is going to take allergy medication and probably try to bail early (that's just a prediction); he doesn't care for dancing, apparently, which is going to be goal one of this party.

I will not get stoned, since I predict a drug test is in my future because, family/friends, I have accepted a new job! I will shifting from the private Islamic school where I teach 6th and 7th grade Language Arts--a position I could not have dreamed up a year ago--to [EDIT: I had to take out mention of where I work].

In other news, I pretty much want to reaffirm my position from a year ago that higher education is still full of shit. I do not want to go to there.

Also, I'm not sure that I'm meant to be a writer, but I plan on writing anyway. I've been working on a novel this year. A real novel. And it went really well for about a month. But now I've moved the character from her opening position at the kitchen table on down to the basement and I'm fucking stuck.

What do we do when we get stuck? We move to the next project! Ask the pink dress that just needs a hem! Ask the green dress that may be assembled completely wrong! They might be able to hear your asking through the piles of material yet to be cut for their own project!

My hording habit has found an safe, economical haven in the library. Thank goodness for that place. I've never felt so curious, cool, eclectic, and interesting as I have this year, burnin' up my awesome library card. (Not a literal burning.)

In all of these changes, I haven't changed my apartment! I've lived in yet another place for over a year! And I've lived in the same city now for nearly five years. This is the longest I've been anywhere since living at home. The other day, when I was making my big decision to accept the new job, I was walking outside. It felt muggy and bug and birds were singing; it felt like summer and I thought, I'm ready for summer, when it gets here! I feel like it's been nothing but shitty summers for a really long time, and I had been so afraid of another one. But here I am, moving forward, knowing more, feeling more, and having the security of a job to carry me through these summer months (and beyond, Insh'allah, a phrase I am a fan of using). I am also a fan of Alhamdulilah, but not so much of as-salam alaikum. That's just my personal preference.

I have so much to say about school and about education; I want to write about my experience this past year. I feel like there's so much to explain that I haven't been able to say because I have been trying hard to figure things out. I feel really lucky to have had this job. I also feel very angry about the state of education.

In random news, I am unsure of my enneagram type. Am I a one? A four? As I embark upon this new career path, I wonder about going back to school to study law. (I could take community college classes in the paralegal field.) If my type is a four, then that may be a bad idea. But if I'm a one, then it may be a good idea. I mention this because I am scared of change and I like to consider all the things I can do to move forward (God forbid I stop for a bit) and I mention this because I am still really sad at Fran's passing away. I feel inspired, again, for political action, like I used to work on in college. I feel ready to be smarter about it now and find a way where I can bring my actual talents in to play.

As I face this next year as a thirty-one year-old, I want to be creative, smart, funny, attractive (oh, yes, to jog that 5K--my two weeks of overeating be damned!), organized, happy, open, adventurous, and to further work to find the areas in this world that I can make a difference. If this past year called me to make changes, this year I want to learn more about what those changes are. I want to be less stubborn, I want to forget some crappy things, I want to get a haircut. I want to make sure I'm giving back and I want to find a way for my energy to grow instead of investing so much in protection.

I want to make sure everyone knows how much I love and care for them. I want to be in a place where I can feed Queenie and LZ Science Diet again; I think it would be better for them. Additionally, all of these wants are the mere wants of one person. I know that I can go to sleep, wake up, and be filled with a trillion other wants. I want, then, to keep things basic this year. In all that I do, I want to be careful. Most of all, I want my gratitude to be felt by everything around me.

Plastiki

2011-04-28T22:47:00.004-05:00

I picked up a neat book at the library the other day that documents Plastiki, the boat made from 12,500 plastic bottles that sailed across the Pacific. The book is called Plastiki: Across the pacific on Plastic: An Adventure to Save Our Oceans, by David De Rothschild, as told to Jim Gorman. One fact from the book: "Every square mile of ocean contains 46,000 pieces of floating plastic garbage" (17). It's clear De Rothschild and his crew are inventive, passionate activists--how inspiring!

Things Kids Say

2011-04-26T21:50:00.002-05:00

Two cute goof-ups from "The People of the Seventh Grade":

*We've been discussing, again, the appeals being used in argumentation: logos, pathos, and ethos. I asked which appeals were being used in a particular newspaper image and one kid got his thoughts/words confused and replied, "hobos," pronounced in a way that rhymes with the other appeals. (Hobos, an appeal made through money, perhaps?)

*Today one kid was presenting the weather report--not an article--and saying that there was a 50% chance of "participation." Yes, it might rain and we might have some participation, too. "Might" being the key word.

Movie Review: Network

2011-04-26T21:35:00.003-05:00

Since director Sidney Lumet recently passed away, Bill has made it his mission to introduce me to Lumet's movies. We started last night by watching Network. I loved the movie. Bill and I were chatting about it and how these older movies know how to set a character. I like watching a movie and feeling like I'm reading a book and getting a sense of the characters. The very beginning of the movie establishes the characters and creates a sense of you knowing the characters while also watching them. It's like you are being let in while still being on the outside of what is going on. I think most movies just want to suck you in; they tend to not want you to be both in and out at the same time. (All of that could be obvious--it's just a new articulation/thought for me.)

I think I disagree with the premise that you "must get mad first," but I love the opening of his speech. How often do we want to at least be left alone with our things in our place . . . and how often do we do this when we know better?

Today in "Where Did that Casserole Dish Go?"

2011-04-24T13:00:00.003-05:00

It was in the fridge, covered in foil, collecting mold.

(Extend Easter edition: And it will rise again.)

Some Notes Regarding My Job

2011-04-22T13:54:00.002-05:00

Sometimes things open up just a little bit and some clarity comes in! As we know, just by knowing me, I have been stressed out about teaching. I have hated it and I have loved it. Lately I'm seeing some attitude shifting in the 7th grade, and I think they are realizing that they are the ones who are consistently not living up to their potential . . . not me (I never have that problem. Ever.). They are starting to feel more manageable--at least for this week--and that is a great blessing.

I've been lucky to talk to my good teacher friend and build off her enthusiasm for the classroom. It inspiring to hang around true teachers, ones who are passionate about their jobs. I've been living off overwhelm this week and catching someone else's persistence is a helpful way to pull through. It still blows my mind the things teachers have to deal with; it really is astounding how many things there are to think about and deal with and manage . . . and to do it all in an inspirational manner?! It's a lot. It really is.

I have learned more about my school today, which helped confirm how I've been feeling there. As a small, private, Islamic school, there has been a culture of family. Teachers have had students at the school, everyone has been friends, everyone is related, some are huge donors, they all worship together . . . and so on (sorry for the awkward list). In short: it's an insular community. And this community (as with most any family, in all of its glorious disfunction) has not pushed each other to value learning for learning's sake. Instead, discipline problems have prevailed (for how to tell your peer/family member that s/he is not doing a good enough job raising the kids) and--like in any school--and there has been a heavy reliance on grades (but how to give a bad grade to your niece or nephew?).

All of this and, mixed in, this is a minority culture right in Oklahoma--so how can this community support each other while still challenging each other?

I believe in the school's administration and they have not had it easy; things cannot turn around overnight. The principal was once in the position of teaching and was a much-admired teacher. Now, as the principal, he has some enemies. It's very difficult to be a good-hearted person and face the ire/stupidity/hatred of small-minded people. And not only face it, but to stand up through it and against it. It is very hard! And it is hard for everyone.

One strategy that I think doesn't work well is to put on a positive face and power through, even though I think we need to put on a positive face and power through. I also don't think it works well to treat every teacher as if they were the same. Different teachers have different strengths and weaknesses. And in the case of this school, I can teach my butt off (which I have been doing) and it can be undone by any number of people who, in this case, may be another teacher/aunt/parent/etc. One thing the principal mentioned to me was from other reading he's done and that is on being clear about the sphere of influence he has; things that are within his sphere, he works on. Anything else has to go. I don't think I'm clear on what my sphere of influence is, and that's probably why I've been running so hard all my life.

Earlier today I was thinking that I don't want to be at the school next year, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to be there right now. I am learning so much right now; it's invaluable the amount of self-knowledge I've gained. And to fall for these handful of kids--who despite their rampant plagiarism, lack of self-motivation, and incessant whining to go outside (not to mention their entitlement, poor grammar and handwriting, and zero critical thinking skills), I like anyway--feels pretty lucky, too. I realize that we all have to do shitty things and be people we never thought we'd have to be. I realized that this is why dreams are important; so we realize that in doing such things that we become better people, ones more able to realize a brighter future. In facing our challenges, we see what we're really made of. (And then, later, we will be challenged again and then we'll see what we're really really made of.)

I just want to affirm that I am not giving up on my dream of becoming who I am! There are competing images of myself--I am simply out of focus--that I want to merge into one: who I want to be, who I am now, and who I actually am. For these to come together, I need to put in some work. And, I know this, too, I also need to put in extreme amounts of rest and care. Running frazzled does not help anyone or anything.

Osho on Fearlessness

2011-04-20T21:17:00.005-05:00

I'm enjoying reading Osho's Courage: The Joy of LIving Dangerously. It's very simple, and I'm realizing that I needed to get down to basics. Here are a smattering of quotes that have meant something to me.

*"But we have become habituated. We will feel very lonely if we stop being miserable, we will lose our closest companion. It has become our shadow--it follows us everywhere. When nobody is there at least your misery is with you--one is married to it. And it is a long, long marriage; you have remained married to misery for many lives. Now the time has come to divorce it. That I call the great courage--to divorce misery, to lose the oldest habit of the human mind, the longest companion." (62)

*"The world will drop wars only when love enters the world again. Politicians don't want you to love, the society does not want you to love, the family doesn't allow you to love. They all want to control your love energy because that is the only energy there is. That's why there is fear" (70).

*"Be selfish. Love is selfish. Love people--you will be fulfilled through it, you will be getting more and more blessedness through it. And when love goes deeper, fear disappears; love is the light, fear is darkness" (70-71).

*"Meditate, dance, sing, and go deeper and deeper into yourself" (77).

*"And years of suppression . . . it will take some time for the real to express itself. The gap between the two has been called by the mystics 'the dark night of the soul'--a very appropriate expression. You are no more the false, and you are not yet the real. You are in a limbo, you don't know who you are" (99).

*"Habits die hard. So many years of living in a false personality imposed by people whom you loved, whom you respected . . . and they were not intentionally doing anything bad to you. Their intentions were good, just their awareness was nil. They were not conscious people--you parents, your teachers, your priests, your politicians--they were not conscious people, they were unconscious. And even a good intention in the hands of an unconscious person turns out to be poisonous." (100)

This last quote stands out to me because I feel it with my own actions. Even acting out of the best of my intentions has proven to be unharmful. But only because I was unconscious!

*"'A boy was constantly scratching his head. His father looked at him one day and said, "Son, why are you always scratching your head?" "Well," the boy responded, "I guess because I am the only one who knows it itches"'" (105).

*"You depend on people's opinions. You have depended on people's opinions so much that you have lost all track of inner sense. This inner sense has to be rediscovered, because all that is beautiful and all that is good and all that is divine can be felt only by the inner sense. Stop being influenced by people's opinions. Rather, start looking in . . . allow your inner sense to say things to you. Trust it." (106)

Reason One Trillion to Love the Library

2011-04-20T16:04:00.003-05:00

It brings you Edward James Olmos! I'm not sure if I made public my undying love for Battlestar Galactica, but I love it and I love Edward James Olmos. So I'm totally excited for this film series and for his award ceremony. And it's thanks to the library.

Anne Lamott on Easter

2011-04-19T08:01:00.002-05:00

I really enjoyed reading this NPR article on Anne Lamott's Easter reflections, "Beyond Bunnies: The Real Meaning of Easter Season." I haven't read her essays on religion, but they're on my to-read list.

And I think Easter has been about the resonance of that simple statement; and that when I stop, when I go into contemplation and meditation, when I breathe again and do the sacred action of plopping and hanging my head and being done with my own agenda, I hear that, 'You don't have that kind of time,' you have time only to cultivate presence and authenticity and service, praying against all odds to get your sense of humor back.

Memory as the Unholy Past

2011-04-18T15:46:00.003-05:00

What I keep with me expands.

I am caught in a struggle and it's fascinating me. It concerns job stuff and the big life question of my employment happiness and security. I'm very overwhelmed with looking for a new job, and part of my overwhelm comes from wondering whether I am "meant" to be a teacher . . . 'cuz if so, then it might be very prudent to stop looking for another job and really dig into the one I have now.

As soon as I think I know something, something else comes along and changes my mind. I crave certainty!

I actually think what's happening is that I'm looking for a way to pursue my passions and desires without feeling guilty. And I'm going to feel guilty moving on from my job (whenever that may happen); I feel guilty looking for another job now. It feels like a relationship ending and that's always both invigorating and sad.

There is some path I get on where I want to save things; perhaps I take on an unequal burden of responsibility. I want to be the one to change and to learn as much as possible.

Thanks to my dating life, I see how I can change and learn without taking on responsibilities that aren't mine. When it comes to teaching, though, I think we are all responsible. What role do I play, then, as an educator? What is my role in this?

I think our role is happiness. And I have to trust the markers that I have that want to lead me toward happiness.

This is very difficult because this is not for the realm of the brain. But the brain--the ego--so much wants to be included! It wants to control. It builds up fears and deadlines. It builds up guilt by remembering the past. It doesn't know what to do with happiness.

I've been trying to be careful with my wishes and desires because, it is true, the grass is always greener. It's hard to just exist, though; it's hard to have patience and just be. It's easy to be open to the promise of the future, and it's easy to get sucked into the bad and mediocre feelings of the past. It's easy to crave novelty.

I've been feeling guilty lately over being in a relationship with someone I love and in a relationship I love. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm leaving others behind. By others--I'll just be honest--I mean my ex-husband and any of my exes, really. I don't like the feeling of leaving others behind because I start to feel that their accusations of me being selfish are ringing true. I don't like the feeling of leaving others behind because it starts to feel like I don't accept them for who they are. If I accepted them, then wouldn't I change? Wouldn't I stay? Wouldn't I just be content, happy, not greedy for once--just once? Sometimes my role in my family, as one who moves away, starts to play in this, too. What is wrong with me that I run? What on earth do I possibly think I can find? What more do I expect that others aren't giving me now? Aren't I being given a lot as is? Why can't I be grateful?

This is the track that keeps me down. This gets a lot of airtime and I spend a lot of time cleaning up after it trying to prove how grateful I am and how humble I can be and how I don't ask for a lot; I'm not an extravagant person, I say, during such clean-up.

But my memory has never been perfect and I can only imagine the parts of people that I choose to remember; what about them am I forgetting? Since this memory is imperfect, it is unreliable. And because it is unreliable, it is not the truth. I've been reading Osho's Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously, and here's some of what I read last night:

One has to start in a state of not knowing, and one has to move innocently like a child, thrilled with the possibilities--and infinite are the possibilities.

You cannot do anything to create the new, because whatsoever you do will be of the old, will be from the past. But that does not mean that you have to cease to act. It is to act without will or direction or impulse from your past--and that is to act meditatively. Act spontaneously. Let the moment be decisive.

You don't impose your decision, because the decision will be from the past and it will destroy the new. You just act in the moment like a child. Utterly abandon yourself to the moment--and you will find every day new openings, new light, new insight. And those new insights will go on changing you. One day, suddenly you will see you are each moment new. The old no more lingers, the old no more hangs around you like a cloud. You are like a dewdrop, fresh and young.

That is the real meaning of resurrection. If you understand this you will be free from memory--psychological memory, that is. memory is a dead thing. Memory is not truth and cannot ever be, because truth is always alive, truth is life; memory is persistence of that which is no more. It is living in a ghost world, but it contains us, it is our prison. In fact, it is us. Memory creates the knot, the complex called "I," the ego. And naturally this false entity called "I" is continuously afraid of death. That's why you are afraid of the new. (56-57)

In writing this down, I'm realizing that I'm breaking up with my past employment. It's been an ongoing process (oh, how I have rejoiced and sobbed over not being in grad school any longer!), and it's still going. I am breaking up with many aspects of who I have been and what I've been doing; I need to change because whatever is going on just isn't good for me! That's all. There's nothing left to that.

The past isn't what I think it was and I don't know what the new is going to be.

Last Summer

2011-04-18T15:25:00.002-05:00

Bill and I have been watching Last Summer (1969), with Barbara Hershey, for a couple of months now. We finished it the other night, and, overall, I liked the movie. It has a very dark tone and is experimental--especially in regards to depictions of teenage sexuality. It was different than any movie I've seen in a really long time, and for that I was glad to have watched it.

What My Mom Learns

2011-04-16T18:01:00.003-05:00

It's Mom's birthday week! Yesterday I phoned and we were chatting about stuff. She was lamenting not doing something and I said, "That's alright, as long as you learned something."

"Yeah," she said, "I learned I should have known this already."

Oh, how I love these impossible loops in which we get ourselves stuck! We beat ourselves up when we learn something, but we can't learn something we already know . . .

The Cats Make Me Happy!

2011-04-14T15:24:00.002-05:00

We're just having an afternoon processing the world. I'm in a minor funk, although it's escalating to a major funk, over job worries, current event worries, and homesickness. Out of the things I can think to feel better, two things stand out: Queenie, who is lounging on a chair, and LZ, who is stretched in front of the window. We're just watching the birds!

Suheir Hammad, "talisman"

2011-04-14T14:23:00.003-05:00

Here is Suheir Hammad's poem, "talisman"

it is written
the act of writing is
holy words are
sacred and your breath
brings out the
god in them
i write these words
quickly repeat them
softly to myself
this talisman for you
fold this prayer
around your neck fortify
your back with these
whispers
may you walk ever
loved and in love
know the sun
for warmth the moon
for direction
may these words always
remind you your breath
is sacred words
bring out the god
in you

Since the sixth grade loved watching her TED talk, I made them listen to "talisman" today. They claim they don't know what she's talking about, but they ended up getting there, and pretty quickly, too. I was proud of their analytical skills.

Poetry, Education

2011-04-12T09:37:00.001-05:00

I'm showing this TED talk, featuring Suheir Hammad and her poetry, in class today.

Failed Birthday Invitation Line

2011-04-11T22:27:00.005-05:00

I'm turning 31; it's like 21 only without going to the bar with your teetotalling fiance.

I couldn't use this; it sounds too bitter!

Dualistic Thinking

2011-04-11T16:23:00.004-05:00

(Illustration by Sara.)

The other night I had the privilege of hanging around some girlfriends. I deejayed the event; at one point we were listening to The Raconteurs and a song came on that I didn't like. This surprised me, even though I hadn't listened to their album "Consolers of the Lonely" straight through in a long time, because I love Jack White. And, I guess, when I love someone, I want their work to be the best all the time. I said to my friends, "I just don't want my love to be wrong!"

Sara replied, "That's your motto!" And she drew the above image, which is pretty funny!

I was thinking about this today because I know I'm trapped in dualistic thinking of right/wrong. And I know, now, that just because I have an emotion, doesn't mean it will last or that I need to act on it. I, in fact, have drastic mood swings and things can change very quickly for me. Just this morning I woke up with Bill and felt wonderful. I got to sleep in (because the kiddos are testing this week). As I was writing and getting ready for work, though, I started getting anxious and angry. Nothing much in my situation had changed; I just felt very different.

So at work, I was thinking that it's fine to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. It doesn't mean anything. That's the thing that gets me--my emotions just don't mean anything! They point the way to something, and I have to follow that. But I can't see ahead to where they point; I don't know what's going to happen.

It doesn't matter if an emotion (like my love) is right or wrong--in fact, it just doesn't make sense to label them as such. I guess I think if I'm right about something, then I'm in control. I'm learning just how little we have control over. Bill is a big fan of saying that if you're doing you're best, then that's the best you can do. I agree. And it's still hard because I always want more from myself. Always. There's nothing I've done that I've been proud of and satisfied with as is with no alterations, unconditional.

Except for today tides are changing. I see some space between my emotions and thoughts. I want to be open to any possibility, while also wanting the best for myself. This is probably why I am often filled with uncertainty--and why Sara's illustrated heart is (wonderfully) evilly misleading--I have an inner critic who constantly berates me. I haven't realized that I have my best interests at heart! I haven't realized that I'm not going to lead myself--knowingly--into shitty situations; I haven't realized that I'm an ok person to trust. In fact, I'm all I have! How I choose to perceive anything is all up to me! I feel very fortunate that all these lessons keep knocking into me. I swear, learning is getting a little easier! And, knock on wood, it hasn't taken a catastrophe to do such learnin'!

Personal Goal for Day: Accomplished

2011-04-11T15:53:00.002-05:00

I jogged a consecutive 27.5 minutes this afternoon (I think I went about 2.5 miles). It helps so much that it's in the low 70s!

Brain Soup

2011-04-10T14:33:00.005-05:00

I'm feeling a little chatty this afternoon, so I'm going to make this a more personal entry than I've had in a while. Who knows, maybe this entry will be fun? (It's going to be a list, so that's a good start!)

1. First, apparently we are no longer supposed to put two periods after a sentence. I read this Slate article against it, and just now I looked up MLA's official stance; MLA says using two periods ain't bad. As I was reading the Slate article, I was thinking that I really don't need this level of stress in my life.

2. I was listening to Sherry Turkel on "To the Best of Our Knowledge," and she has said that humans no longer multi-task, but rather have multi-lives: an in presence life and virtual lives. I don't like it. I think most people are anywhere besides where they actually are.

3. Which leads me to be careful as I pursue my career. I've been applying for jobs like gangbusters. (I don't really know where that phrase came from.) I've had some lovely interviews at the library, but no position yet. And I've been talking with the principal about next year. What if I'm meant to teach math? Or older students? What if? I want the best for me and I'm afraid of everything that might possibly happen to me! I don't feel better or angry (whoa! No anger today!), just very afraid that whatever my agenda is may be closing me off to other possibilities.

4. I really need a lot of help from other people. I think others can sometimes just see us for the best we are. I imagine a committee on my behalf finding a place for me. I imagine being lifted and placed in a job that works for me. It's not that I'm not trying, I just feel like I have so many wheels spinning that I don't know what's actually best for me!

5. I know my path is one of creativity, though. Until I can make money from my own work, I need a job to pay the bills. I like thinking of myself as a creative person; this has helped a lot and has given me focus. I know that I have enough energy to devote to a job and to my own passions . . . I know someday the two can merge!

6. I can jog 25 consecutive minutes. Tomorrow I aim for 27.5 minutes. And by Memorial Day I want to jog in an official 5K. There. That dream is now public.

7. I read this article from 1997 on the importance of language during a baby's first year. I haven't read more current research, though. I'm not sure what I think about this article because there are many implications; I just think it's interesting that the first year is so important. And I'm guilt-ridden enough about school to believe that my inability to reach the students is because I'm meeting them about ten years too late. Here's a quote:

The researchers studied 42 children born to professional, working class or welfare parents. During the first two and half years of the children's lives, the scientists spent an hour a month recording every spoken word and every parent-child interaction in every home. For all the families, the data include 1,300 hours of everyday interactions, Dr. Hart said, involving millions of ordinary utterances.

At age 3, the children were given standard tests. The children of professional parents scored highest. Spoken language was the key variable, Dr. Hart said.

A child with professional parents heard, on average, 2,100 words an hour. Children of working-class parents heard 1,200 words and those with parents on welfare heard only 600 words an hour. Professional parents talked three times as much to their infants, Dr. Hart said. Moreover, children with professional parents got positive feedback 30 times an hour -- twice as often as working-class parents and five times as often as welfare parents.

The tone of voice made a difference, Dr. Hart said. Affirmative feedback is very important. A child who hears, ''What did we do yesterday? What did we see?'' will listen more to a parent than will a child who always hears ''Stop that,'' or ''Come here!''

By age 2, all parents started talking more to their children, Dr. Hart said. But by age two, the differences among children were so great that those left behind could never catch up. The differences in academic achievement remained in each group through primary school.

Every child learned to use language and could say complex sentences but the deprived children did not deal with words in a conceptual manner, she said.

8. I was looking this baby stuff up because I suggested to Bill that he might learn ASL for his own benefit since he is deaf in one ear and has a fear of losing hearing in his other ear. I told him, though, that he could learn it and then, if we had a child, we could use it to make our baby smarter. He hadn't heard of this and asked me where I had heard about sign language and babies; I told him it was just kind of a known thing. I didn't tell Bill that his odds of losing hearing in his ear are the same as mine; the consequences for such a loss, though, would be much more severe for him than for me.

9. I've been reading Mary Roach's Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void and for the first time in my life, I do not want to be an astronaut! The lack of gravity does a number on the body.

10. I have more to say, but mostly it revolves around what I want to wear for my birthday party (invitations pending). I looked at my guest list and 1/3 of the women I know are mothers. I'm pretty baby crazy! (That's a funny sentence. What do I have against ugly babies?!)

11. I'm also pick-up-and-leave crazy! Ohmygod do I ever want to get out of here! It's not that I'm against Tulsa, I just want to go somewhere new! It's this fever that is serving as a caution for me in my job. I want to settle down and focus; I just want to focus on the right thing! I could use a sabbatical year, I think. If my expenses could be paid for a year while I got my stuff together, I think I could accomplish a lot! Probably everyone could. Why don't we have this? Probably because no one was talked to enough during their first year of life so now we're all stupid.

12. Well this post did not help me get any projects accomplished! I wanted to get some sewing going, but I guess that will wait until tomorrow! Now it's time to gussy-up and visit the boyfriend, whom I haven't seen since forever (Thursday). We both had visits with our own friends this weekend, which is so nice. I have a sinking feeling, though, that his friend is going to want to continue seeing him because his friend is going through a break-up. I fully support this (the break-up and their friendship), while also acting irrationally possessive. That's my prerogative.

13. Bill just called to postpone our meeting time. So there is time to sew!

14. Right now this song is playing. I'm going to practice the moves in this video.

Funny Etsy Artist!

2011-04-08T09:58:00.002-05:00

My friend and colleague found this website the other day: Beanforest on Etsy. We laughed over these collections of buttons and sayings!

Movie Reviews: It's Complicated and Zelig

2011-04-08T09:35:00.002-05:00

An impromptu trip to the library allowed me to indulge in a couple of movies over the past two days: It's Complicated and Zelig.

I thought It's Complicated was a fine movie. It had some funny moments, and I don't think Meryl Streep can do any wrong (although I wasn't able to finish Mama Mia! a while ago). Even though the movie is written and directed by a woman, Nancy Meyers, I thought the movie was focused more on the men (the characters and the actors) in the movie. And the idea that a woman has to have a man in her life--even though she is an expert in her field, a business owner, and has an amazing house (and extra-white family!)--is still annoying. Having a relationship felt more like a had-to than a get-to, and I don't find that empowering. I think I'm bummed because more could have happened with that movie and those actors.

I found Zelig, on the other hand, completely delightful! Woody Allen is so funny and Mia Farrow enchants me. Before we watched it, Bill was telling me about the technical achievements of the film, so I was able to notice how well the film was put together. There are many scenes that involve putting pictures of Allen and/or Farrow into old pictures/film. It looks really good. The movie has a funny premise that works on a surface level and as allegory; it was just fun and I highly recommend it to anyone!

The Outdoors

2011-04-03T10:08:00.002-05:00

I'm very excited this morning because I saw turtles today! They were at the pond area that I like to walk/jog around, and I have never seen them there before. It was a nice morning watching the turtles, ducks, geese, and one boy who was skipping rocks. I had brought a notebook with me so I could write, and it was a really nice--in fact, ideal--way to begin the day.

I found this turtle image on a blog called Fox Haven Journal; it looks like a really great site!

Recently I bought a bird book to try to learn more about the birds that I see. On the Creek Turnpike Trail, I keep seeing blue birds, and I thought I had correctly identified them as buntings. However, I discover that they are Eastern Bluebirds. I haven't seen these birds before! Also on the Trail one can see cardinals; so, it's a very colorful place to be.

This image is from the website Oklahoma Birds and Butterflies:

Advice for Bad Moods

2011-04-02T20:06:00.002-05:00

I found this article, "10 Ways to Let Go and Overcome a Bad Mood," by Lori Deschene and I thought it was nice and helpful. Here's an excerpt:

Contrary to popular belief, even positive people get in bad moods. . . .

Whatever the case may be, you feel something you don’t want to, and you’re not sure how to change it. You just know you need to do something before acting on that feeling. . . .

It may seem like the answer is to stop responding to life emotionally, but that’s just not realistic. Paul Ekman, one of the foremost researchers on emotion, suggests it’s near impossible to bypass an emotional response because of the way our brains are set up.

I have been on an adventure with myself in wanting to be fully where I am and with who I am. This has been, frankly, uncomfortable lately! I have many tricks up my sleeve--like using my sense of humor and being able to reframe old storylines--and they are immensely helpful. It's just difficult to face the truth that I don't always feel happy and that, indeed, I have some anger that needs to be attended to. I think it just means that I am a human being having a human experience. So strange!

Unemployment Practices

2011-04-01T14:31:00.004-05:00

I knew this was happening, but I didn't realize the blatant discrimination. This NPR article, "Unemployed Need Not Apply: State Bans Want-Ad Ploy," states that a few companies are explicitly telling unemployed applicants that should not apply for positions.

States, like New Jersey, are passing legislation to make this illegal partly because it is affecting minority (racial and aged) populations the most. I think regardless of the discrimination, this is a bad practice simply because there is not a direct link between employment and ability/capability.

Hanh's chapter on happiness

2011-03-28T15:58:00.002-05:00

I just read a bit from the next chapter in Anger, "Restoring the Pure Land."

Making Happiness a Priority

From time to time we have to make a decision, and sometimes the decision is very difficult. We are forced to make a painful choice. But if we know what is most important to us, what we most deeply want for our life, the decision-making will become easier, and we won't have to suffer a lot. (189)

Thich Nhat Hanh on Anger

2011-03-28T15:43:00.002-05:00

I found the following passage helpful last night, as I was reading Thich Nhat Hanh's Anger. I know I've been experiencing anger lately and have wanted to not do what I normally do with anger (suppress, repress, worry). I've been seeing a lot of my patterns lately and realizing how patience and perseverance may be the antidotes to some of my anger and acting out. It's just nice to learn how things can change for the better.

A good practitioner is not someone who no longer has any anger or suffering. This is not possible. A good practitioner is someone who knows how to take good care of her anger and suffering as soon as they arise. Someone who does not practice does not know how to handle the energy of anger when it manifests, and he or she can easily be overwhelmed by anger.

But if you practice mindful living, you do not allow anger to overwhelm you like that. You invite the seed of mindfulness up to take care of your anger. Mindful breathing and walking will help you to do this.

Habit Energy and Mindful Breathing

We all have habit energy in us. We are intelligent enough to know that if we do something or say something based on our habit energy, we will damage our relationships. And yet, even with this intelligence, we still do things out of anger, we still say things out of anger. Therefore, many of us have caused a lot of suffering in our relationships with other people. After the damage has been done, you are full of regret and you vow that you will never do such a thing again. You are very sincere; you have a great deal of good will. But the next time the situation presents itself, you do exactly the same thing, you say exactly the same thing, and you cause the same damage again and again.

Your intelligence, your knowledge, does not help you change your habit energy. Only the practice of recognizing, embracing, and transforming can help. That is why the Buddha advised us to practice mindful breathing to recognize and take care of our habit energy as soon as it manifests. If you are capable of embracing your habit energy with the energy of mindfulness, then you are safe, you are not going to make the same mistake again. (184-186)

A Few Things on America's Education System

2011-03-23T19:59:00.005-05:00

From "Obama's War on Schools," by Diane Ravitch:

NCLB mandated that 100 percent of students be proficient in reading and math by 2014. Any school not on track to meet this utopian goal—one never reached by any nation in the world—would face a series of sanctions, culminating in the firing of the staff and the closing of the school. As 2014 nears, tens of thousands of schools have been stigmatized as failures, thousands of educators have been fired, and schools that were once the anchors of their communities are closing, replaced in many cases by privately managed schools. NCLB turns out to be a timetable for the destruction of public education.

I think it's admirable for a country to have a public education system. I know research (by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) is showing that test scores rise in classes that have good teachers. Yet even if teachers were responsible for student performance (and they simply aren't), I don't see how shutting schools down solves the teacher problem. So you open some private or charter schools and guess what? You're still hiring from the same pool of potential teachers. And guess what else? These teachers have now been part of the No Child Left Behind generation, so they basically know shit. (I'm being harsh, and I'm sorry.)

In his recent State of the Union address, Obama rightly asserted that we must encourage innovation, imagination, and creativity so we can “win the future.” But the federal government’s emphasis on standardized tests subverts that lofty goal. Drilling children on how to take tests discourages innovation and creativity, punishes divergent thinking, and prioritizes skills over knowledge. And the endless hours devoted to test preparation certainly deaden students’ interest in school.

Emboldened by the Obama administration, as well as by hundreds of millions of dollars from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, many districts and states now plan to use test scores to evaluate teachers. Most of our nation’s leading testing experts think this is a risky path.

Teachers see these measures as an attack on their profession. Recently elected governors such as Scott Walker in Wisconsin and John Kasich in Ohio are ratcheting up the attack, pushing hard to end teachers’ collective-bargaining rights, while Mayor Michael Bloomberg in New York City, Gov. Chris Christie in New Jersey, and Gov. Rick Scott in Florida would like to eliminate seniority and due-process rights for teachers. Destroying the unions will silence the only organized voice that opposes draconian cuts to education budgets. Without that voice, schools can expect larger class sizes and reduced funding for the arts, school nurses, libraries, and other programs.

I heard that class size in Detroit high schools will be around 60 students per teacher, due to budget cuts. Should we consider it lucky, then, that Detroit now only has about 730,000 citizens (setting its population to pre-Ford days)?

At school, there is an old display that reads, "Creativity takes courage." And courage can't be measured or tested for.

I also heard an article on NPR this morning discussing how parents in Hartford sometimes still prefer to take their children to low-performing schools.

This is certainly what's happening where I teach. I don't believe that culture and education are incompatible; it's just that shutting down our public schools is a problem. And the logic that parents are going to choose higher performing schools just simply doesn't hold . . . so it starts to sound like there are forces at work that seek to widen the gap between the rich and the poor (when one connects education to socio-economics).

Local Owl Poses for Area Boyfriend

2011-03-23T16:01:00.001-05:00

Look what's in Bill's backyard! He says this is the baby owl and that the mother is whiter.

Oklahoma Adventure

2011-03-20T20:59:00.007-05:00

I want to share that I went on a hike yesterday at Osage Hills State Park. It was just the experience I needed.

I came across a tree, an old tree entwined with new tree; their roots were exposed--erosion from the hillside on which the trees grew had pulled the soil into the river below. I could stand alongside the trees and see inside them. I could see the outside, too,--the white bark of the young tree smooth and bright against a cloudy sky and brown dirt. There were snail shells in the soil by the roots. I pulled some up and inspired by friends' own adventures, I created a little shell offering for the tree.

(I can't help but think of all that water has destroyed lately. There is still grief and mourning.)

The hike continued. I fell in the thick mud, created earlier in the day by Oklahoma storms--the season begins. On the drive to the Park, I passed baby and grown-up cows and goats. In falling, I realized somethings will cake off as time goes along. A man, acting in some manner I don't know how to describe other than domineering and idiotic in an unthreatening and annoying way, would later call to me, "Your pants are all dirty. I just thought you should know that." Once, Mom and I conjectured that men didn't know how to be quiet around women in nature.

I climbed rocks and did two things that scared me. At a separate rock climbing I got a big whiff of moss; in a related, but not completely, point, I was wondering why I wasn't fantasizing about making love outdoors, like I normally do.

I saw things.

At one point, I frightened turkey vultures by the lake. I was the only one around and I watched nine of them circle above me and I watched as their circle swirled to the south and then back west, towards me and where I assumed their nests were. But I couldn't see any nests.

Bill says there is a momma and a baby owl in his or his neighbor's back yard. They hoot around 6 or 7:30--a call and response of feeding time: "Time to come in and eat dinner." (That was always the best and the worst call of being a kid. The night would never feel the same as a late twilight, when all the night spread out ahead of you and your imagination.) We saw the full moon last night as it peeked its bright orange way above the skyline. We saw its bright yellow later in the night as it created a double shadow off the clouds that passed in front of it. "I have never seen that before," Bill said. "I haven't, either," I replied while he stood behind me and we held on to each other. It felt like a moment that I would have that I could go back to and remember that we were once really in love with each other. And I hope it grows. I know it will.

Like when I stood by the lake yesterday, before seeing the turkey vultures (and that's when the sky began to clear and the sun shone), and I wished for certain people to be happy. I want that for people that vex me and those that have vexed me. I have let go of the past before and it gets easier as I go along. What I want for everyone is happiness, that deep down joy. (It's hard for me now to hold the joy of everyone in my wishes. Instead, I want just one other person to be happy.)

I got lost on my hike once, but it was ok because I knew in general where I was going. I knew I was going forward. And I knew I couldn't get too lost. But then I knew I needed to be careful about what I knew. And later I heard the party that had met up at a picnic area. They played bad karaoke to "Free Bird," and I thought, "Only in Oklahoma." Just like only in Oklahoma are the hikes kind of bizarre, like the trails sometimes just lead to fields and drop you off. I saw no snakes, but I did see an old stone structure once used to house dynamite. I know the Works Progress Administration made many Oklahoma parks. And I wish, now, that we could use our human power to create something beautiful that a lost soul could, many years from now, when we still haven't yet destroyed ourselves, use to ground herself.

I wish I could have my students be proud of the revolutions in the Middle East, but bombing and shooting begin again. "War is hard, but peace is harder." This is what I think as I think about the world. The rich keeps getting richer. And this only bothers me because whole generations are growing up throwing themselves into half-assed math to make some extra money; we don't throw ourselves into projects, do we? I would like some different creations. As I drove back from my hike, I was wishing there were light rails and bicycle trails.

I saw a median full of daffodils in bright yellow and golden yellow. In my neighborhood, one neighbor has big daffodils and their next-door neighbor has little daffodils. One day, a cold day last week or so, Bill said of different daffodils that he bet they were pissed they chose this day to come out. He thought maybe they were crocuses. I said they were daffodils, but I can't honestly say I know what a crocus looks like nor have I looked it up.

I just know of turkey vultures because I saw them on a different hike with a different man and then with another man. Just like the river reminded me of the St. Vrain, and it made me homesick and reminded me of kissing another man and another man and another man. What I created yesterday was new memories for myself based on old memories involving others.

All of that is dead now. I go forward. Similar to how I went yesterday, not so much "communing" as "trouncing." Sometimes "tramping," but not "careening." All of the wishes I have, I sent them. All of the hope I have is small. All of the gratitude I have wears thin due to drowsiness. But what I hold with me is the larger sense of getting dirty and getting scared. I hold the knowledge of vulture wingspan and of an oil derrick smoothly moving in a cultivated wild space.

Religion and Education

2011-03-20T20:50:00.004-05:00

I just picked up Osho's Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously. I think some of it is crap, but it is filled with some good bits. Here's one:

"With so many religious people, the world is so irreligious--how is this miracle happening? Everybody is religious and the total is irreligiousness. The religion is false. People have 'cultivated' trust. Trust has become a belief, not an experience. They have been taught to believe, they have not been taught to know--that's where humanity has missed" (24).

I had been feeling remorseful about not wanting to be a teacher any longer (or ever again) and then I realized that everyone is a teacher no matter what they do, so I calmed down. I want to be one who teaches knowing; I want to know, too.

I have a friend who likes to quote Julia Cameron (or Julia, as we like to call her), "You know when you know." You do know when you know. And Osho says not to make the same mistake twice. Doubt prevents you from trusting what you know; so it becomes a web that weave--one of trust and knowledge.

Love Continues: Fiona Apple

2011-03-20T20:48:00.001-05:00

"If there was a better way to go then it would find me."

Super Movie Me

2011-03-18T16:39:00.004-05:00

I've watched some more movies that I'm not proud of admitting; such movies include Battle: LA. I thought it was going to be completely different than what it was, a shooting movie with a lot of shooting. I thought it was going to be more like District 9, which I liked. I enjoyed watching Battle: LA with Bill, though, and making stupid comments throughout. On a sentimental note, the whole experience showed me how nice it is to have a partner. It was a different feeling than one I've had before, and I can't name why it was different.

On my own, I finished watching Super High Me, which I thought was a disappointment. I think Doug Benson is funny and that the movie had good potential, but it didn't really teach me anything new. Perhaps I think they relied on the catchy premise and then didn't push much of an analysis. Then I watched Super Size Me, which I thought was very informative and well-crafted.

Bill and I watched Noise last night. It was a good movie; Tom Robbin's character was cute and it was a nice mix of serious and funny. It made an interesting point without being pedantic.

Thanks to Sassy's suggestion, I am going to try putting these movie reviews on the side of the blog. We'll see how it goes!

The list I've started keeping of movies I've watched this year:
Eat, Pray, Love: Nay
Black Swan: Yay
Hannah and Her Sisters: Yay
Chinatown: Yay
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask: Yay
True Grit (2010): Yay
Inception: Yay
How to Train Your Dragon: Yay
The King's Speech: Yay
The Big Sleep: Yay
Kingdom of Spiders: N/A (due to kitsch factor)
Hall Pass: It is what it is. Why am I even keeping track and rating my movies?
Super High Me: Nay/Yay
Super Size Me: Yay
Battle: LA: Nay
Noise: Yay

Art Art Art and Art

2011-03-14T16:47:00.002-05:00

I've been sticking my head in the proverbial sand as far as current events go--I know the basics, and I just feel overwhelmed. I'm working my way out, yet in that, I don't have anything to say. I do have things to say about art, though.

I just read this article, "The Flipside with Jack White: Upholstery and His Rarest Records," on Jack White and how has hid clear vinyl albums in furniture he reupholstered . . . 'cuz he worked as an upholsterer. Art in craft and art actually in craft. Hidden things. Things complete because they are hidden. Things meant to be heard that go unheard and they are meant to be unheard so they are complete in being incomplete. I love these kinds of things.

White: Yeah. [Though] most of the stuff I'd write was on the wood frame in the furniture. 'Cause I thought — something hit me as a teenager while I was apprenticing in Detroit at an upholstery shop. I said to the guy, Brian Muldoon, was teaching me — I said, "How come we don't write notes to each other? Upholsters. We're the only ones who see the insides of this furniture. We should have so many inside jokes and things we could write." You know, "This guy was a jerk. He wouldn't pay for this." We should be telling each other what was the story on these couches. I started to write a little bit about, well, this is where I got this chair and the person who hired me to do it — a little bit of that. [And] maybe on the other side, underneath, I'd hide a poem or something like that.

And then we started to — the zenith of that [was when] Brian and I had a band called The Upholsterers [and] for the 25th anniversary of his shop, we made a hundred pieces of vinyl. We made a record we stuff into furniture that you could only get if you ripped the furniture open. We even made it on clear vinyl with transparency covers — we thought you couldn't even X-ray it to see if it was in there. I'm talking about — really, you could rip open a couch and think it's not there 'cause it's inside the foam — sliced inside the foam and slid in there. I mean, we really went to great lengths to make sure possibly no one would ever hear our record! But it's there. It's so great. It's there. There's a hundred pieces of furniture out there that have those records, and maybe one day someone will find them.

Boilen: No one's found one yet?

White: No one's found one yet, no.

Thoughts with Japan

2011-03-13T11:48:00.003-05:00

I don't have anything new to add to what's been happening in Japan; I feel extremely sad and concerned about what is happening. From NPR's "Japan In Race To Avert Nuclear Disaster":

In the early morning hours Monday in Japan, authorities declared the lowest level state of emergency at the Onagawa nuclear power plant after detecting radiation exceeding allowable levels in the air outside the facility. Officials are now trying to confirm the source of radiation.

Fears of radiation exposure from an explosion Saturday and overheating in one of six reactors at Fukushima No. 1 plant — also known as Daiichi — a site 170 miles northeast of Tokyo had already prompted the evacuation of more than 200,000 people living within 12 miles of the complex.

Wanting to do anything besides what I'm doing now . . .

2011-03-11T08:34:00.002-06:00

It's five minutes before I head of to school, and I finished the last two pages of Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart; some invaluable words:

When we find ourselves in a mess, we don't have to feel guilty about it. Instead, we could reflect on the fact that how we relate to this mess will be sowing the seeds of how we will relate to whatever happens next. We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of effort is the same. Right now we are creating our state of mind for tomorrow, not to mention this afternoon, next week, next year, and all the years of our lives. (144-145)
--Pema Chodron

This Week's Artist's Date

2011-03-09T17:20:00.004-06:00

Please raise your hand if you are nurturing* the artist inside you.

This girl is trying to do just that, and has been following Julia Cameron's advice to have an artist's date. This week I am too proud of myself not to share . . .

Because I have baked something that actually isn't atrocious! This week's date found me with some souring red wine (read: still consumable), a bit o' biscuit mix, pancake mix, and a rotting banana. Do we see where we're going with this? Yes, we went to banana biscuits with cinnamon, craisins, and kiss of peanut butter in the middle. (Goddamn genius, I tell you. Or is the wine saying this?)

I love not following recipes, using easy ingredients, and discovering something edible. And this (all of this!) while listening to my new favorite artist, Neko Case.

Here's to more dates with ourselves and seeing what we come up with!

*By nurturing the artist, I don't mean forcing it work the way you want it to work by being the writer, painter, sculptor, knitter, etc. you think you should be. I mean nurturing your creative side by having fun and playing around--giving yourself more material to draw from for when you do get down to the dirty business of art.

Lent 2011!

2011-03-09T14:16:00.003-06:00

I fell in love with Lent last year because it's a nice reminder of preparing yourself for something larger, a rebirth. Last year I gave up craisins in my oatmeal. I also instituted a second period of Lent wherein I gave up sex. This year I'm giving up nail polish on both my fingers and my toes. I already hate it, so I think this might be a good one for me. I'm noticing my desire to look good come into play. And since not wearing nail polish is an easy thing to do, it's a nice reminder to be in the moment and act with gratitude towards the things I do have. I'm not into deprivation, but I am into changing things and noticing what happens; so here's to this season of Lent and experiencing life in subtle, different ways!

Aiming for Cultural Neutrality Here

2011-03-06T22:00:00.003-06:00

Bill and I watched another movie this weekend, and I'm reluctant to share which one. So I'm going to say it quickly: HallPassanditwasfinenobiggieitmademelaughinacoupleofspotsandmademethinkthatbeingamaninthissocietywithmoviesreducingyoutoyouridiocyandobvioussexualitymaybejustasbadasbeingawomanreducedtoyourcontrollingrelationshipbehaviorandintheendeverythingisalrightandourfamiliesarenotfallingapartphewthankgoodnessandithoughtofhowisometimeslikepopculturealotandsometimesitisreallyannoyingandithoughtofhowiusedtoputeverythingintheoreticaltermsandidontmissthatpartofmeatallbutireallymisshearingnewconversationswhichiswhyienjoythelibrarysomuchbecausepeoplehavesomuchtosayandsomuchiswritten, like Slavoj Zizek's book, First as Tragedy, Then as Farce, which examines the economic collapse. There are a couple of quotes I like from the book so far. But damn if I'm having a difficult time remembering some theoretical terms. For example, aren't there multiple meanings of "ideology"? But Zizec just seems to embrace one meaning and acts like I should know which one he's using in Part 1 of his book, "It's Ideology, Stupid!" Here are a couple of quotes (quotes that aren't getting to the thesis of his idea regarding economics, but I'm not giving a book report, so I don't care):

"truth is partial, accessible only when one takes sides, and is not less universal for this reason" (6).

"Immanuel Kant countered the conservative motto 'Don't think, obey!' not with the injunction 'Don't obey, think!' but rather 'Obey, but think!' When we are transfixed by events such as the bail-out plan, we should bear i mind that since this is actually a form of blackmail we must resist the populist temptation to act out our anger and thus wound ourselves. Instead of such impotent acting-out, we should control our fury and transform it into an icy determination to think--to think things through in a really radical way, and to ask what kind of a society it is that renders such blackmail possible." (17)

The list I've started keeping of movies I've watched this year:
Eat, Pray, Love: Nay
Black Swan: Yay
Hannah and Her Sisters: Yay
Chinatown: Yay
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask: Yay
True Grit (2010): Yay
Inception: Yay
How to Train Your Dragon: Yay
The King's Speech: Yay
The Big Sleep: Yay
Kingdom of Spiders: N/A (due to kitsch factor)
Hall Pass: It is what it is. Why am I even keeping track and rating my movies?

Fundraiser for Domestic Violence Intervention of Lebanon County

2011-03-04T14:55:00.002-06:00

A very kind friend from college sends word that she is helping to organize a 5K to put an end to domestic violence. A couple of things to note: 1) Domestic violence related deaths in small Lebanon County are rivaling those in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. 2) If you or someone you know could use more information about domestic violence and resources available for help, you can call the national number toll free at 1-866-686-0451.

Iron Rail 5K

Mobilizing positive community action to support healthy personal relationships

Fundraiser to benefit Domestic Violence Intervention of Lebanon County and Lebanon Valley Rails to Trails

Saturday, April 30th
Starts and ends across the street from the new Lebanon city parking lot for Rails to Trails on S. 8th Street. The course will be on Rails to Trails. Flat, fine gravel terrain.

8am Check-in
9am Race starts
9:15am Fun run/walk starts
$15 if you pre-register before April 2nd (includes a t-shirt)
$20 after April 2nd and day of event (t-shirt not guaranteed)
There will be prizes for the top three male and female race participants. No age brackets.

Any questions, contact the event coordinator:
Erin Johnson: novacasia@yahoo.com

We are on Facebook, "Iron Rail 5K"
DVI's website: http://www.dviolc.org/
Rails to Trails website: http://www.lvrailtrail.com/

"Bright Girls"

2011-03-01T18:31:00.002-06:00

Whoa, Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson's article, "The Trouble With Bright Girls," explains my entire life.

. . . Bright Girls, when given something to learn that was particularly foreign or complex, were quick to give up; the higher the girls' IQ, the more likely they were to throw in the towel. In fact, the straight-A girls showed the most helpless responses. Bright boys, on the other hand, saw the difficult material as a challenge, and found it energizing. They were more likely to redouble their efforts rather than give up.

Why does this happen? What makes smart girls more vulnerable and less confident when they should be the most confident kids in the room? At the 5th grade level, girls routinely outperform boys in every subject, including math and science. So there were no differences between these boys and girls in ability, nor in past history of success. The only difference was how bright boys and girls interpreted difficulty -- what it meant to them when material seemed hard to learn. Bright Girls were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence and to become less effective learners as a result.

Researchers have uncovered the reason for this difference in how difficulty is interpreted, and it is simply this: More often than not, Bright Girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.

Education Funding

2011-02-28T23:12:00.002-06:00

Paul Krugman's article, "Leaving Children Behind," gives some facts on education in Texas. I found the article to be really good, and here's a segment:

Texas likes to portray itself as a model of small government, and indeed it is. Taxes are low, at least if you’re in the upper part of the income distribution (taxes on the bottom 40 percent of the population are actually above the national average). Government spending is also low. And to be fair, low taxes may be one reason for the state’s rapid population growth, although low housing prices are surely much more important.

But here’s the thing: While low spending may sound good in the abstract, what it amounts to in practice is low spending on children, who account directly or indirectly for a large part of government outlays at the state and local level.

And in low-tax, low-spending Texas, the kids are not all right. The high school graduation rate, at just 61.3 percent, puts Texas 43rd out of 50 in state rankings. Nationally, the state ranks fifth in child poverty; it leads in the percentage of children without health insurance. And only 78 percent of Texas children are in excellent or very good health, significantly below the national average.

Movie Reviews, Cont.

2011-02-27T22:20:00.002-06:00

Well, I've watched hours of the red carpet walks this evening; I wish I wasn't addicted to award shows and the accompanying ballyhoo over fashion . . . but I find something very rewarding in seeing how everyone dresses.

On the complete opposite of end of the Oscars, Bill and I watched William Shatner's 1977 Kingdom of Spiders. There's not too much to say about a movie of a small Arizona town that gets overrun by spiders who have mutated to become more venomous due to DDT. The gender dynamics between Shatner's character and the female lead (Tiffany Bolling) were interesting because she is a research scientist and women's libber. Shatner's character is, as Bill put it, "a horn dog"; I think the movie had a positive political aspect, then, because it allowed a female lead to stand by her feminism and career and it also came down against DDT. All of this, though, at the sake of a cheesy plot!

The list I've started keeping of movies I've watched this year:
Eat, Pray, Love: Nay
Black Swan: Yay
Hannah and Her Sisters: Yay
Chinatown: Yay
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask: Yay
True Grit (2010): Yay
Inception: Yay
How to Train Your Dragon: Yay
The King's Speech: Yay
The Big Sleep: Yay
Kingdom of Spiders: N/A (due to kitsch factor)

Pema Chodron Advice

2011-02-24T17:25:00.005-06:00

If you don't have a copy of Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, then you should probably get one--or see if you can read free selections on Amazon. If it were possible to underline an entire chapter, then I would have done it the other night while reading the chapter "Secret Oral Instructions." (Enter Mike Myers at Coffee Talk: "The instructions are neither 'secret' nor 'oral. ' Discuss.")

Here's a long selection; I just found that this is what I needed to hear, so I wanted to share it. (I kinda just jump in, but I think you can get the point easily enough.)

We continually find ourselves in that squeeze. It's a place where we look for alternatives to just being there. It's an uncomfortable, embarrassing place, and it's often the place where people like ourselves give up. We liked meditation and the teachings when we felt inspired and in touch with ourselves and on the right path. But what about when it begins to feel like a burden, like we made the wrong choice and it's not living up to our expectations at all? The people we are meeting are not all that sane. In fact, they seem pretty confused. The way the place is run is not up to par. Even the teacher is questionable.

This place of the squeeze is the very point in our meditation and in our lives where we can really learn something. The point where we are not able to take it or leave it, where we are caught with both the upliftedness of our ideas and the rawness of what's happening in front of our eyes--that is indeed a very fruitful place.

When we feel squeezed, there's a tendency for mind to become small. We feel miserable, like a victim, like a pathetic, hopeless case. So believe it or not, at that moment of hassle or bewilderment or embarrassment, our minds could become bigger. Instead of taking what's occurred as a statement of personal weakness or someone else's power, instead of feeling we are stupid or someone else is unkind, we could drop all the complaints about ourselves and others. We could be there, feeling off guard, not knowing what to do, just hanging out there with the raw and tender energy of the moment. This is the place where we begin to learn the meaning behind the concepts and the words.

We're so used to running from discomfort, and we're so predictable. If we don't like it,we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when actually we have no ground to stand on at all.

The next time there's no ground to stand on, don't consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck. We have no ground to stand on, and at the same time it could soften us and inspire us. Finally, after all these years, we could truly grow up. As Trungpa Rinpoche once said, the best mantra is "OM--grow up--swaha."

. . .

So how do we relate to that squeeze? Somehow, someone finally needs to encourage us to be inquisitive about this unknown territory and about the unanswerable question of what's going to happen next.

I agree that we need encouragement and to encourage others! It's ok to not know something and to turn our attention to it. This is one of the best features of children--their ability to ask questions and to be curious. They don't have a story behind their questions or their sense of self; they just want to know things. I want that same thing for adults!

NPR Article on Spanish and American Banks

2011-02-24T16:52:00.004-06:00

I heard this article, "When Borrowers Don't Pay, Should The Bank Take Everything?," on NPR last week, and it has stayed with me because some of the logic kind of bothered me. The article shares that Spain will still pursue any homeowners who walk away from their mortgages; this practice stands in contrast to American banks that cannot go after someone who walks away from his/her mortgage. Part of the article's premise was that Spaniards fear their banks while Americans don't. I wanted more answers about who, in Spain, seeks homeownership and whether their is a culture there that is more or less willing to take on debt. It made me wonder about the lending companies in America that preyed upon those who were unable or unwilling to understand that they were signing bad loans.

It all makes me wonder if there could be a bank that provides loans with the best interest of its customers in mind. I don't think we've seen this in America. At all. And the protests in Wisconsin over public workers' unions, along with the budget concerns over the discretionary spending, make me think that any talk over money is distracting us from the larger concerns. The larger concerns being the military.

It all just bums me out, so I want to seek out some answers. I was thinking of starting with this book on unions, which I found on the Rowman and Littlefield Publishing Group blog. It's not about world economics, so I'm still looking for information about that.

Gender and The New Yorker

2011-02-20T14:25:00.004-06:00

A good friend passed this link along to me about gender inequity in the pieces The New Yorker publishes."Does The New Yorker Have Girl Problems? Reader Demands Gender Balance or a Refund."

I think the comments after the article are mostly insufferable. And I can't quite get to my opinion on the topic, but as I wrote my friend, whose cousin wrote the letter, it starts to seem like publications are lazy--instead of just sexist--in ignoring women writers.

My opinion is contrasted to what I think about the NYT blog series I read about the lack of women writing for Wikipedia. Maybe my thought these days is that I don't believe that everything needs to have equal representation of voices; but we need to be sure (damn sure) that we aren't mistaking any one publication to be representing a universal voice.

Movie Reviews, Cont.

2011-02-20T14:16:00.002-06:00

Last weekend Bill and I watched Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall in The Big Sleep. It was such an enjoyable experience! It's exciting watching work from iconic actors and it's nice to watch a movie with an expert, who can point out things that I otherwise wouldn't notice. For example, one shot shows the edge of the sound stage; I wouldn't have recognized this nor did I notice it at all. I like when you can be taken by a movie and also remain outside of it, too.

The list I've started keeping of movies I've watched this year:
Eat, Pray, Love: Nay
Black Swan: Yay
Hannah and Her Sisters: Yay
Chinatown: Yay
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask: Yay
True Grit (2010): Yay
Inception: Yay
How to Train Your Dragon: Yay
The King's Speech: Yay
The Big Sleep: Yay