Wednesday, October 10, 2012


I don't know whose joke this is, but I heard this week that Curiosity found metal on Mars and that it could be a buried city . . . or just some metal.

I like the idea of a buried city. I like when Bill sees a different model of his car and says, "There I go. Funny to see string theory work right in front of you." I like the movie Another Earth.

So when I'm really moody and I'm thinking, "This is not my beautiful wife" and I don't know who anyone is or what my story is or what I think of someone that I have thought a lot about before and I'm wondering, "Do I do this or do I do that? Is my problem this or is my problem that?" When I don't feel despondent but I don't feel fabulous, when I feel muddy and like my insides could and should be excavated, then I think, "What would Mars Courtney do?"

If I were multiple and living out as many stories as I imagine others have, if I were as interesting as others (always there's this comparison, which is what is actually driving my madness, which is my madness), then I would not get so wound up.

I imagine that others see me, who is actually me but only shows up as a version of myself, as a Mars Courtney, and I think maybe they think that I am a certain person--a certain person who has features that could be considered attractive or maybe features that would lead one to think that I have a much more interesting life than I really do. I imagine they create a Mars Courtney and if I get a positive feeling from someone, then I want to be that Mars Courtney for them.

This is what I do to people all the time. I create stories about people, and the less I know, then the more grandiose the story. It's the mystery of people, but it's not necessarily the personality I care about so much any more or why someone would have certain attitudes, emotions, or beliefs. It's more like the details of someone's life. Why do I feel differently about someone's exes or current partners if I think the other person is attractive or unattractive? Or has a fascinating job or a menial job? Or if that person faced a tragedy? Because it gives me a sense of control. It calms the fear inside of me.

Mars Courtney lives out a bunch of lives because she has time and a bunch of good starts to many stories. Real me is pretty much solely motivated by fear and I get a fear ball that manifests as anger. Real me is very boring and real me is stuck by the term "beginner's mind." As in, "Oh, shit. I know nothing." As in, "Oh, shit. I guess we are starting this again." As in, "I still have these thighs? This ugly morning look? This ordinary life? This wardrobe?"

I can take care of this self. I've gotten a lot better at this over the years, but I still get scared that maybe I will regress. I get scared of not being by myself, of letting myself trust others, especially when my deepest and safest retreat has been inside of myself. I am trying to let myself grow, which is what I think Mars people do naturally. They live. All the stories of people are purely one version and there are more. There are more versions of me, somewhere. I just cannot be all of them myself.


beamish said...

I love this. I really, really do!

Courtney said...

Thanks, Beamy. After I posted it, I almost deleted it--it just felt too rough to me. And it felt like it was coming to an easy conclusion, which I believed in, but wasn't sure I wanted to share. So I felt vulnerable, which means that your compliment was really something nice to hear! Thank you!